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Tent Stories...

by G. B.

> Anyone have any tent stories?

Here's one. . . You see what all you academics and draft dodgers missed by not being in the military?

Alaksa again, we were experimenting with pitching hospital tents in freezing weather to see if we could manage the frozen canvas. An Army hospital tent (you've seen them on M.A.S.H.) is about 15' X 40' X 8' at the peak with side walls standing at 6'. The timbers that hold the whole affair upright are 4 by 4's with a 4 by 4 cross beam and some side supports about the same heft. Ropes for rigging are the sort that I'd almost trust for climbing. . . I'd be comfortable tying up a small ship with them. These tents get hauled around in a "deuce and a half" --a 2 1/2 ton capacity truck with twin axle duals on the rear drive. It takes about ten men to set up one of these tents. You use steel tent stakes that look like small car axles, and drive them with one of those "ring-the-bell" mallets you see at carnivals. The only tents I've seen that are bigger belong to P.T. Barnum.

So. . . we set up this hospital tent out in the snow in Anchorage in mid-November in 10 degree F weather. Then we let it freeze up really hard. While we were waiting for the tent to freeze, a momma moose and her calf wandered into the warehouse area where the tent was pitched. If you've never seen a moose, they make a horse look really puny. They're about 6 or 7 feet tall at the shoulder and have a head on them about the size of a whitewater kayak--antlers extra.

Anyway. . . ol' baby moose wandered into the tent to have a look around and momma got a little concerned. So then momma went into the tent to find her pride and joy whereupon the flaps closed behind her, leaving her in the deep dark void with only the sound and smell of her calf to guide her. So she did what every concerned momma moose does when she senses her calf is is harm's way. She charges. . .

Momma managed to get most of the frozen tent wrapped around her which just pissed her off. She pulled the whole tent down and dragged it across the field where it was pitched. She also broke several of the tent pole beams. The frozen canvas, which is that bullet proof stuff that only the Army uses for tents, was brittle and stiff enough that it just sort of came apart on itself. Of course the guy ropes and stakes got tangled with her, trailed behind, and scared her into being even more pissed off.

After about five minutes of unbridled destruction, momma finally got free of the tent. Somehow, junior never got tangled in the whole affair and was standing around making distressed moose calf noises through all this. Once the snow settled, momma and baby got back together and effortlessly pranced over the cylone fence that surrounded the warehouse area. The six foot cyclone fence. . . god forbid a cyclone fence should tangle with a momma moose!

Some supervisory butts got chewed on that one. . . I saw the paperwork. (Then we broke out some frozen C rations, had a laugh and a bite to eat.)


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