Re: [Paddlewise] lead shot?

Richard wrote;

> Canadian Ballast Rocks Caution
> 
> In the mid-1970s, Blair Chasty and I picked up some Canadian Ballast
> Rocks from Killarney (near Sudbury, Ontario), for decorative use in his
> exotic fish shop.  His store-front window was a massive aquarium.  After
> placing the rocks in the tank, he went home for the evening.  The next
> day his display consisted of a large number of dead fish.  Were it not
> for the statute of limitations, he would be holding you liable, John
> Winters.  Please stop peddling your environmentally toxic products over
> the net.  Your certificates of authenticity are fraudulent, for instead
> of selling Canadian Ballast Rocks, your are foisting Canadian Blast
> Rocks from the slag heaps of Sudbury.  Shame on you.
> 


It is precisely this kind of thing that we at Canadian Ballast Rock Ltd.
have been trying to prevent. 
Not all rocks (as Richard and his friend discovered) are equal. Indeed,
geological diversity is the rule even though one rock may look very much
like another to the untrained eye. To prevent such accidents, the Canadian
Government has established a licensing process that assures that all rocks
will be gathered by trained professionals and in an environmentally sound
manner. 

One does not simply pick up a few rocks willy-nilly, skip a few gracefully
across the water,  and then put the rounder rocks in your pocket for future
use. Not, at least, if you want to have children. 

Have you ever wondered why, here in this land of plenty with a McDonald's
at every intersection,  there were so few natives when the Europeans
arrived? Studies of early photographs clearly show that native people
carried rocks in small leathern bags close to their genitals. No doubt most
of these rocks were radioactive and resulted in sterility. This also
explains why candles were not discovered by Indians. Glowing body parts
sufficed.

Immigrant Europeans used the safer rock handling methods (bulldozers etc.)
and, instead of rocks, carried small bottles of rot gut around their
waists. In this way they avoided the perils of stone balls while the rot
gut stimulated them to greater reproduction levels. The rest is history. 

Why the normally observant Indians did not recognize the dangers of some
rocks is unclear. It has been suggested by the normally rational Professor
Inverbon that it was another women's plot to reduce the attentions of
native males who did not have cable and could not get Dr. Ruth on the local
station. I reject this out of hand. When touring a native burial site I
discovered a copy of Cosmopolitan secreted behind some tag alders. Is this
the
behavior of women who don't want sex?" 

Kayakers have been safely using ballast rocks for centuries and the old
skills of picking safe rocks from among millions of unsafe rocks would have
faded away had it not been for Canadian Ballast Rock Ltd. Modesty forbids
us from taking all the credit. Were it not for a 6.5 million dollar
government grant our ground breaking research at Club Meds around the world
would not have been possible and paddlers would be capsizing all over the
place, clogging up the oceans with overturned boats and making whaling
impossible for the Japanese and Makah natives.
... 
While we might weep for Mr. Chasty's fish Canadian Ballast Rock Ltd. can't
be held responsible for what amounts to nothing more the a petty theft gone
bad. 

Robert wrote;

>Furthermore the exporting of the product
>without permits and the approval of all governmental agencies shall
>require a complete review where all evidence shall be presented and
weighed
>before a tribunal.  Penalties shall be extracted by Mr. Winters at his
>leisure once the tribunal (Olympic in nature) has judged you guilty.

Uh, well, like you know, just as soon as I recover from my second hand drug
induced state. I mean like I don't use the stuff myself but I do inhale. 

I am confident that an Olympic style tribunal will enforce some one else's
rules when it seems convenienient to do so and impose unrealistic
penallties for something that was none of their business in the first
place. 

Next time downhill sea kayaking will be a demonstration sport at the
Olympics. No one will be allowed to participate unless drunk or drugged.
"No sir, that urine sample hasn't been tampered with. I really was blown
out of my mind. No, those aren't leaves of marijuana floating around in my
urine sample, those are little organic kidney stones."

Cheers
John Winters
Redwing Designs
Specialists in Human Powered Watercraft
http://home.ican.net/~735769/
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