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From: John Somers <somers_at_utmbrt.utmb.edu> subject: [Paddlewise] Palaeolithic Crotch Dirigibles Date: Thu, 09 Apr 1998 13:14:58 -0500 · This archive was generated by hypermail 2.4.0 : Thu Aug 21 2025 - 16:32:48 PDT

My Dear Prof. Inverberon:
	Thank you so much for reminding us of the crucial aspects of the history
of atmospheric flotation devices and their contribution to the global
spread of kayakers and kayaking.   
	However, I must, ever so humbly, point out a few problems regarding your
Note 1: 
	As you wrote it, "The Palaeolithic age is believed by many to have
witnessed the first toolcultures who used chipped stone tools, about
750,000 years ago, until the beginning of the Mesolithic Age, about 15,000
years ago. This such rubbish. Inflated caribou hides even when inflated
with the hottest of flatuent gases would not lift an Inuit with a pack full
of stone tools."

	First, I must remind you of the small body size of the peoples of that
era.  As any one knows who has tried to reenter and roll a traditional
kayak, the cockpit openings are incredibly tight, to the point that "skinny
butts" must have been the rule, rather than the exception.  In fact there
is some evidence (the obscure and difficult Caribou Scrolls, found circa
2003 m.e.) of a "skinny-butt" clan, from which the sea-hunting kayakers of
these native societies were selected.  It requires only a small bit of
imagination to realize that these highly adventurous and adept skinny
butt-ers would be the very individuals most likely to undertake soaring to
great altitudes with the crotch dirigibles.  Hence we arrive at the
unavoidable conclusion that most of us are descendants of the Skinny Butts,
the name of which I propose should henceforth be capitalized out of respect
for these noble people. 
	(I do have a proposed research project to address the difficult question
of global species propagation and the generally wider derrierres of SO's,
but so far funding has been withheld on the absurd assertion that my
proposal is "just playing around").
	Back to history, clearly it was the shortsighted and profit-seeking North
American development of large kayak cockpits combined with the regrettable
widespread availability of gourmet camping food as well as fast food
dispensaries at all popular putins and takeouts that led to our more
typical modern wide butts.  As a scholar, you are surely aware that this is
the only proven instance of Lamarckianism, ie the generational evolutionary
inheritance of acquired traits.  
	 (As we also know, our British kayaking brethren tried to hold out against
both the above debilitating influences.  For what seemed like forever, they
clung to cockpits too small for most of us and were the last known people
to give up completely tasteless food.  Alas, the Brits missed the crux of
this matter, consuming the ghastly fish'n'chips in large quantities which,
combined with lots of sausage and bacon, contributed to the expansion of
their own bodily dimensions and forced them to ever more compromises on the
cockpit size issue.) 
	
	But I digress. Not only were the ancestral people small in stature, but
you have underestimated the lift obtainable from bodily-produced methane.
Have you never spent the night in an igloo after dining with your
companions on a feast of far-north seaweed and whale blubber combined with
the caribou regurgitations?  There is nothing so unearthly as the aurora
borealis viewed through an ignited curtain of methane.  Do you actually
believe that all those photos of kayaks flying through the air after being
blasted by marine mammals were initiated by blowholes of the respiratory
kind?  Are you unaware of the native tale attributing the record
methane-powered flight to the noble paddler Kau, who became the
universally-recognized Man-in-the-moon?  No indeed, those are the result of
gaseous emanations of the methane type.  Hence I must take issue with your
assertion that 
"Inflated caribou hides even when inflated with the hottest of flatuent
gases would not lift an Inuit with a pack full of stone tools." 
	In fact I have postulated that this is precisely how Kau reached the moon,
by using the sparks from striking stone chips together to ignite the
pressurized methane in his dirigible and skillfully using his narrow-bladed
paddle (safely tethered  with a cord woven from walrus whiskers) to control
the resulting jet blast as propulsion. Contrary to your assertion, the
comment of Skinny Butts on seeing the Hindenburg explosion and the feats of
daredevil fraternity residents was "Wow, what a gas!" Unfortunately, as Kau
rose through the earth's atmosphere, he discovered that a wider blade would
have extended his control at higher altitudes and in thinner air.  The
result was his striking the moon rather than fulfilling his intent to
become the Kau who paddled over the ..... At any rate, I believe I have
fully discredited your assertions which you so stealthily attempted to
sneak past us by placing them in a footnote.
	Now that I have thoroughly corrected your incredibly naive blunders of
scholarship and enlightened you and all other readers, I have one last
message for you, sir.  When I see you at the next North/South Coast
Symposium, you would be wise to be wearing your own crotch dirigible, for
my intention is to smack you heartily where it hurts with my mini-Greenland
spare paddle.  This I carry with me at all times, having modified it so
that it fits securely up the sleeve of my tweed paddling jacket.  I will
not here reveal the clever method by which I have made the paddle
expandable from single, narrow-bladed form to wide, double-bladed;
negotiations with an interested corporation are ongoing; also I wouldn't
want to arouse the anti-commercial police amongst the netlist community.
My hope is that such a  well-placed blow will permanently release most of
the hot air with which you are so generously endowed, thereby sparing
earnest people everywhere from your inane rantings. While I am on the
subject of your personal situation, just exactly what is a Ph.g. anyhow?
Does the 'g' refer to the aforementioned gas?  And given your obvious
lightheadedness and well-known flatulence, how is it that you are still
with us on the surface of the earth?  The answer of course is self-evident,
you are not among the modern Skinny Butts, but rather the lead rears.  On
the plus side, that feature will work to prevent you from jetting randomly
about the Symposium hall upon deflation.  As a precautionary measure, I
will be prepared to ignite the ensuing methane by striking together some of
my newly-developed Synthetic Ballast Rocks ($16.95/kg, orders taken over
the net), which I keep up my other sleeve, along with my ultrasafe butter
knife in the personal bailout kit which is always on my person.
	Finally I must remark on your obvious fixation regarding synthetic
materials.  Your distasteful reference to colleagues with a rubber fetish
must surely be considered an attack on lurkers of this netlist, who have
read intently the recent accolades for the usefulness of certain small
latex bags. Upon publicly deflating you at the Symposium, I expect to be
saluted with waving paddles by all who have suffered your pedantic remarks
in patient silence.

	Ever in the spirit of scholarly pursuit of truth, I remain humbly and
respectfully yours,
	Pharr Horissons, Sk.B., Fellow of the Left-Feathered Paddle Society, Ph. Ph.
	

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