[Paddlewise] Eating ?

Last night the Professor stopped by for a glass of Inniskillin Aligote and
a spell of porch sitting after first checking to see that my wife was not
home. The professor once patted my wife's behind at a faculty party while
exclaiming loudly to all present that Pamela had a Rubenesque behind. Of
course, Pamela took offence. She is hardly Rubenesque and old Peter Paul
would have been considered her anorexic and hardly worthy of fetching the
hot chocolate much less posing for a painting.

After enduring his specious comments on the poor vintage (1996 really
wasn't not a bad year for whites and it was better than the cheap French
plonk he serves when forced to entertain) I told him about Michael's
comment

>Next time you have a bite to eat, you might ask yourself,
>"Who is this?"

on Paddlewise. You can't set up Inverbon like that so I  turned on the tape
recorder and sat back for the monologue. It follows suitably edited for
young readers.

You know, he said, that reminds me of my Aunt Nefertiti. As you know all my
aunts were named after great beauties of history but this once it was
inappropriate. Helen was a looker as was Sarah but Neffie was a bit horse
faced.  The children in town once mistook her for the pony ride at the
fair. No end of trouble over that. Seems you cannot horse whip children
anymore. She didn't have much of a figure either and reminded me of the
those bronze sculptures of Rozinante.

Anyway, she was a great believer in reincarnation. I think she was
perfectly sane in all other respects. At least until she began talking to
animals. It came to a head one Christmas. She took it into her mind that
Grandfather had come back as a pig and argued at length with the Christmas
ham over whether it had been over cooked. Quite disconcerting to the
children. She said Grandfather would have preferred being Bar-B-Qued
anyway. Neffie always loved Bar-B-Que.

In later years she expanded the  theme to vegetables and could be found
arguing philosophy with Hegel in the garden. Hegel never struck me as being
an eggplant kind of guy but then I didn't know him personally. Neffie
wasn't unreasonable about this reincarnation stuff at least not at first.
She subscribed to the healthy cannibal's belief that eating another person
imbued one with that person's strengths and courage. She drew the line at
peas. Said they were all Chinese - all looked the same and there were so
many of them. Neffie never did like the Chinese. Loved beans though.
Thought they were Bhuddists. Loved Bhuddists.

I guess these things can wear on the mind. One evening when Father was
entertaining business clients at home Neffie jumped up  from the table
scramming "I'm not a cannibal" at the Rutabagas. We found her later curled
up in the corner of the garden shed petting a carrot.

Father said he didn't mind her making a scene in front of clients but she
spilled a perfectly good glass of Zindt - Humbrecht Pinot Gris and that was
unforgivable.

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G
Transcribed by his humble servant John Winters








***************************************************************************
PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List
Submissions:     paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net
Subscriptions:   paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net
Website:         http://www.gasp-seakayak.net/paddlewise/
***************************************************************************