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From: John Winters <735769_at_ican.net> subject: [Paddlewise] Self paddling boats Date: Thu, 17 Sep 1998 08:45:44 -0400 · This archive was generated by hypermail 2.4.0 : Thu Aug 21 2025 - 16:32:51 PDT

One cannot help being impressed by the range of topics and the wide ranging
curiosity of the Paddlewise mailing list. Where else would the topic of
self paddling kayaks emerge?

Indeed, this highly esoteric topic is rarely raised outside the dark
mahogany confines of private clubs whose members specialise in study of the
Inuit and their impact on western civilisation. Only within those hallowed
confines do scientists dare discuss a topic that strikes at the very core
of the British kayaking superiority complex for it is certainly true that
the Inuit perfected the self propelled kayak centuries before the British
claim to have discovered the kayak.

Inuit pingo paintings discovered during this past summer's expedition to
the deepest Arctic reveal the full extent of Inuit New Age technology.
There we discovered not one reference to Derek Hutchinson or Nigel Foster
among the many drawings depicting  kayaks in various modes of propulsion
with and without paddlers. How was this possible and, more importantly, how
did they do it without a Greenland paddle? The answer lies in the Inuit
understanding of ancient physics wherein the observer determines the
observed. With a bit of practice an Inuit could simply observe his kayak
making sly progress across the water toward an unsuspecting seal for it to
happen. Why they were unable to make their harpoons do the same thing
remains a mystery?   And, one must ask, where were the cats? The answers to
this and other questions must await further excavations.

At this point we can now explain how Inuit kayaks were able to achieve the
high  speeds reported by early Russian and English explorers. As modern
naval architects know, high speeds are most easily achieved with low
displacement/length ratios and it isn't easy to get lighter than a
paddler-less kayak. How did the Inuit then catch up to his kayak after it
has disappeared over the horizon in search of a Russian? Simple enough. He
used his "crotch dirigible". Occasionally boat and paddler would end up in
different places leading the Europeans to assume the paddler had drowned.
One more Inuit more or less was no problem to the Russians or the Brits
since they all looked pretty much alike and eventually Inuit and boat would
come together so no harm was done.

Astute readers will recognise why we have kept the self propelled kayak
under wraps. If the Brits were to discover that the Inuit had one-upped
them they would go into withdrawal, stop attending kayaking symposiums and
bring the entire commercial kayaking house of cards down in a heap not to
mention the paddle making cottage industry.

Sincerely,

 Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.g

Transcribed by his humble servant John Winters

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