[Paddlewise] How Fast Were the Aleuts?

For many years I was sceptical about claims for the speed of Aleuts
paddlers. I dismissed the claims of British and Russian Explorers as the
normal exaggeration common to their kind. Were these not, I would ask, the
same Jolly Tars who claimed to see mermaids? Would you not also see
mermaids after three years with only a couple of ships boys to be shared
between a hundred sailors? (The average Brit was homophobic ashore but
enlightened at sea - but that is another topic) Not only does one become
bored with the sameness of it all but one also develops a bit of a pong
since fresh water was not wasted on bathing. One can detect the same odour
at the corner of College and Church in Toronto.

But I digress.

Recently I had a great blinding epiphany. The Aleuts were fast because they
could not paddle at Fractional Speeds. The record is clear. Billings claims
ten sea miles per hour, Merck claims four Italian miles, Sarycev claims 10
knots, Cooke claims six knots, Hillsen claims eight and Saur claims ten
miles per hour. And these were accurate measures from navigators who were
skilled at measuring speed with nothing more than a rope handing off the
stern. Indeed, their accuracy has not even been matched today by dragging a
GPS over the stern. Such it is that everything old is superior to
everything new. One knows for certain that future generations will never
develop a superior Twinkie. The recipe will get lost for sure.

How would Even Number paddling promote speed? It did so by stimulating the
paddler to work harder. Imagine the Aleut stroking along at a sedate 4
knots when he is accelerated slightly by a passing wave.  Unable to paddle
at, say, 4.3 knots he must raise his speed to 5 knots or backpaddle and
suffer a loss of face with his fellow hunters. It is no wonder that the
Aleuts dreaded a following sea for no matter how fast they went the waves
would push them faster until they would expire from pulmonary exhaustion
thus explaining why they never populated the earth. The European and
Chinese paddler, free to paddle slower at fractional speeds (African
paddlers also were unable to paddle at fractional speeds being unable to
count past two and so were forced to paddle at "many " miles per hour"
which was good training for slavery) could arrive home relaxed and breed.

Despite this discovery the possibility remains that British and Russian
explorers  still might have exaggerated their reports. Strood (pp 124 -136,
British Anthropology Journal, May 1893)
properly points out that the funding of future expeditions often depended
upon a favourable reception to the voyage's reports. Much of this hinged on
portraying the savage as being superior in some way that would not
embarrass the Brits. Since, in those days, the Brits did not paddle it only
made sense to make them super human with the paddle which would not impinge
on the British sense of superiority in all Things Important. They were
supported by the Russians and that,  Strood contends, should be ample proof
that the Brits were lying.

That aside, the Question on everyone's lips is, "How did they develop the
strength to paddle so fast?" It was quite simple really and the result of
advanced training. Young Aleuts were forced to train in stone boats and
there they would sit in their rock kayaks stroking away as hard as they
could and getting nowhere. Besides developing enormous biceps they also
developed the patience to sit by a seal hole until the seal surfaced
looking for a tanning salon. Today the huge hollowed out rocks where Aleut
children practised their forward stroke can be seen throughout Alaska.

Winter posed a unique problem that the Aleuts solved ingeniously. Unlike
effete modern racing paddlers who spend the winter training in Florida the
Aleuts developed the winter training device or motorless snowmobile. They
would paddle their oil soaked kayaks across the snow. Of course, the
paddles would not move when inserted in the snow and this gave rise to the
theory that the paddle never moved even in water. We can forgive them this
mistake since they had no idea that Eiffel, Reynolds and others had
invented fluid dynamics.

On another topic, much is made of the size of Aleut appendages. Sarah
Laughlin is impressed by the size of a single Aleut humerus. Now, I ask, if
you discovered the bones of Wilt Chamberlain would you assume that every
man in North America had slept with over three thousand women? Of course
not. I contend their great speeds were due to superior technique that they
discovered and was lost never to be rediscovered even if we placed an
infinite number of British kayakers in an infinite number of British kayaks
and asked them to paddle for an infinity of time.

Of course, there are no longer any of these super Aleuts to study. If there
were thousands
of secretaries from Omaha would go to Inuvik instead of the Bahamas.
Indeed, like so many Biblical miracles they just ceased to exist as soon as
Royal Viking began running tour ships to Skagway. Now, instead of ships
full of
panting typists they have the panting geriatric set trying to score a few
vials of powdered whale penis to bring back their lost youth.

A  number of people have attributed the Aleut's great speeds to the
friction reducing qualities of seal oil smeared on the boats. Let me
disabuse you of this right away. One must not confuse the friction reducing
effects of White Rose petroleum jelly when applied to solid surfaces with
friction reduction in fluids. If it really worked, nature would have
anticipated it and seals would excrete rendered fat and be faster than
dolphins. This kind of silliness leads to disrespect for anthropology and
paddlesport in general.

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G
Transcribed by his humble servant John Winters





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