For many years I was sceptical about claims for the speed of Aleuts paddlers. I dismissed the claims of British and Russian Explorers as the normal exaggeration common to their kind. Were these not, I would ask, the same Jolly Tars who claimed to see mermaids? Would you not also see mermaids after three years with only a couple of ships boys to be shared between a hundred sailors? (The average Brit was homophobic ashore but enlightened at sea - but that is another topic) Not only does one become bored with the sameness of it all but one also develops a bit of a pong since fresh water was not wasted on bathing. One can detect the same odour at the corner of College and Church in Toronto. But I digress. Recently I had a great blinding epiphany. The Aleuts were fast because they could not paddle at Fractional Speeds. The record is clear. Billings claims ten sea miles per hour, Merck claims four Italian miles, Sarycev claims 10 knots, Cooke claims six knots, Hillsen claims eight and Saur claims ten miles per hour. And these were accurate measures from navigators who were skilled at measuring speed with nothing more than a rope handing off the stern. Indeed, their accuracy has not even been matched today by dragging a GPS over the stern. Such it is that everything old is superior to everything new. One knows for certain that future generations will never develop a superior Twinkie. The recipe will get lost for sure. How would Even Number paddling promote speed? It did so by stimulating the paddler to work harder. Imagine the Aleut stroking along at a sedate 4 knots when he is accelerated slightly by a passing wave. Unable to paddle at, say, 4.3 knots he must raise his speed to 5 knots or backpaddle and suffer a loss of face with his fellow hunters. It is no wonder that the Aleuts dreaded a following sea for no matter how fast they went the waves would push them faster until they would expire from pulmonary exhaustion thus explaining why they never populated the earth. The European and Chinese paddler, free to paddle slower at fractional speeds (African paddlers also were unable to paddle at fractional speeds being unable to count past two and so were forced to paddle at "many " miles per hour" which was good training for slavery) could arrive home relaxed and breed. Despite this discovery the possibility remains that British and Russian explorers still might have exaggerated their reports. Strood (pp 124 -136, British Anthropology Journal, May 1893) properly points out that the funding of future expeditions often depended upon a favourable reception to the voyage's reports. Much of this hinged on portraying the savage as being superior in some way that would not embarrass the Brits. Since, in those days, the Brits did not paddle it only made sense to make them super human with the paddle which would not impinge on the British sense of superiority in all Things Important. They were supported by the Russians and that, Strood contends, should be ample proof that the Brits were lying. That aside, the Question on everyone's lips is, "How did they develop the strength to paddle so fast?" It was quite simple really and the result of advanced training. Young Aleuts were forced to train in stone boats and there they would sit in their rock kayaks stroking away as hard as they could and getting nowhere. Besides developing enormous biceps they also developed the patience to sit by a seal hole until the seal surfaced looking for a tanning salon. Today the huge hollowed out rocks where Aleut children practised their forward stroke can be seen throughout Alaska. Winter posed a unique problem that the Aleuts solved ingeniously. Unlike effete modern racing paddlers who spend the winter training in Florida the Aleuts developed the winter training device or motorless snowmobile. They would paddle their oil soaked kayaks across the snow. Of course, the paddles would not move when inserted in the snow and this gave rise to the theory that the paddle never moved even in water. We can forgive them this mistake since they had no idea that Eiffel, Reynolds and others had invented fluid dynamics. On another topic, much is made of the size of Aleut appendages. Sarah Laughlin is impressed by the size of a single Aleut humerus. Now, I ask, if you discovered the bones of Wilt Chamberlain would you assume that every man in North America had slept with over three thousand women? Of course not. I contend their great speeds were due to superior technique that they discovered and was lost never to be rediscovered even if we placed an infinite number of British kayakers in an infinite number of British kayaks and asked them to paddle for an infinity of time. Of course, there are no longer any of these super Aleuts to study. If there were thousands of secretaries from Omaha would go to Inuvik instead of the Bahamas. Indeed, like so many Biblical miracles they just ceased to exist as soon as Royal Viking began running tour ships to Skagway. Now, instead of ships full of panting typists they have the panting geriatric set trying to score a few vials of powdered whale penis to bring back their lost youth. A number of people have attributed the Aleut's great speeds to the friction reducing qualities of seal oil smeared on the boats. Let me disabuse you of this right away. One must not confuse the friction reducing effects of White Rose petroleum jelly when applied to solid surfaces with friction reduction in fluids. If it really worked, nature would have anticipated it and seals would excrete rendered fat and be faster than dolphins. This kind of silliness leads to disrespect for anthropology and paddlesport in general. Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G Transcribed by his humble servant John Winters *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.gasp-seakayak.net/paddlewise/ ***************************************************************************
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