Re: [Paddlewise] Great Paddlewise Cookbook Contest

Philip T wrote;

>
>Really John, I think you should have provided some alternate form of this
>recipe. Particularly at this time of year, with the increasing awareness
of
>a good host's responsibility to see his guests safely home, most hosts are
>offering
>(drum roll please) non-alcoholic paunch! (ba-dum)


I must admonish my dear friend John Winters for not providing suitable
safety instructions on the eating of Caribou paunch.

Paunch is the primary propellant for Inuit crotch dirigibles so a good host
ties his guests down to a handy rock. Once in Labrador I tied down a friend
with a slip knot that came undone while he was molesting a young Inuit girl
and it took three days for him to come down somewhere over Quebec. Unable
to speak French he was arrested and jailed as a Canadian spy. The Canadian
government had to buy his freedom with ten pounds of poutine and a
truckload of American cigarettes. The expenditure set the government's
balanced budget back four years and it would have been longer if they
hadn't cut education spending by 21%.

But I digress.

The noted migration anthropologist Wayfarer Jones has uncovered pictographs
in South America showing Inuit flying at low levels through the Andes
leaving a vapour trail of partially digested paunch in the sky that was
confused by gas station attendants in Las Vegas as flying saucer trails or,
when wind currents were right, as the face of the Virgin Mary. No doubt
these long distance revellers were the result of Inuit party goers
improperly tied down at the bow and stern and without redundant nylon
straps. To my knowledge no one has found any ancient Thule racks at
excavated Inuit campsites. Is it possible that the Inuit would not have
discovered Colombia and set up themselves up as drug lords if they had had
Thule roof racks rather than stones to hold them done during parties? We
cannot know. but Jones theorises that the Inuit colonised the west coast of
South America and that Inuit facial characteristics can be seen in Pinochet
today. This may be making a mole hill out of a despot. While Pinochet may
have bad body odour there have been no reports of his being able to fly or
even jump over a prostitute.

I  myself believe that the great stone figures on the Nazca plain are
R.I.D.E. landing sites for drunken Crotch dirigible flyers where Indian
County Mounties would snag the Inuit with large butterfly nets and
incarcerate them until they either paid outrageous fines or submitted to
unspeakable acts by  proto-Deliverance death squads. I myself have seen
such acts while doing research on the Chilean dugout canoe and believe me
it is not a pretty sight. With the exception of Colombian drug lords I
think the evidence strongly  suggest that South America was populated by
Egyptians searching for lost cats.

In conclusion, by all means try caribou paunch salsa. The north has few
delicacies to compare but be certain to tie everyone down or at least eat
indoors and wear a hockey helmet. (Eating indoors won't always solve the
problem. One Inuit family found themselves at Bloor and Yonge after an all
night party. The property tax increase wiped them out and they are now
living under a culvert near the Bankrupt Sky Dome having been forced to
sell their igloo during a bad real estate downturn: Ed. note).

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G
Transcribed by his humble servant John Winters



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