Re: [Paddlewise] comments on rudders

-----Original Message-----
From: Michael Daly <michaeldaly_at_home.com>
Cc: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net <paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net>
Date: Tuesday, July 06, 1999 5:35 PM
Subject: Re: [Paddlewise] comments on rudders


>Julie Grindol wrote:
>
>> I have read (and been told) not to use my rudder until I had learned how
to
>> paddle correctly.  My reaction was to put the rudder up for a while, get
>> frustrated, and then put it back down.  That was last summer.  Since then
I
>> have had a couple of classes (GRO's 1 & 2 day classes), and lots of
>> practice.[...]
>
>The same thing happened with my SO, Amie.  Last year she used the
>rudder most of the time.  Well, we just got back from a short trip where
>she only used the rudder for an hour or so in the worst conditions.
>
>I kept telling her it was just a matter of time until she got used to the
>kayak and the paddling technique.  Now she believes me.
>
>I think it's a good idea to use the rudder to avoid frustration and/or
>fatigue, but keep working on not using it.  Over time you'll make the
>transition.
>
>Mike
>
The following was published in ANORAK a while back, I couldn't agree more.
Matt Broze

Preventing the Scourge of Rudderitis

Rudderitis is a crippling affliction endemic and widespread among the
aquatic humanoids on the planet earth known as "kayakers". Rudderitis
appears to be caused by an (as yet unknown) infectious agent whose first
symptom is a hard angular mutation that flops around on the back end of a
kayaker's shell or "kayak". Kayakers are vulnerable and nearly helpless in
the water without a shell, but can glide around quite gracefully when they
have obtained one. (A kayaker does not grow its shell like most organisms
but, rather like a hermit crab, inhabits an existing shell and occasionally
moves into a new shell or an abandoned shell from another kayaker.) As ugly
as it is, the hard angular growth on the kayak appears to be only the most
obvious symptom of the underlying disease process. Once the mutation appears
the kayak's innards or "foot-stools" also become loose and weak. Strangely,
the end result is the inevitable crippling of that particular shell's motive
organism. The paddler's upper limbs become useless for anything but simple
repetitive paddling motions leaving only their lower limbs to control
direction. The motive organism kicks at the loose stools and thereby flops
the grotesque mutation side to side. Although the victims lower limbs are
inadequate tools for the job (lacking the fine motor coordination of the
upper limbs) most victims do the best they can. The result is usually a
staggering zigzag path through the water. Apparently directional control is
so crude among the infected that the organism can never quite get it right.
No kayak shell has ever been observed to contract rudderitis directly from
another kayak shell. At first it was thought that salt water was a necessary
condition for the progress of the disease because it was found almost
exclusively in sea going kayaks but not in their fresh water relatives
(canoes and river kayaks). Later it was found that inland and Great Lakes
sea kayaks never exposed to salt water also came down with the condition. It
is now believed that susceptibility to the disease is genetic because it
mainly follows kayak family lines. The gene for susceptibility may reside on
the same chromosome and near the gene for a preference for longer shell
length. Few short kayaks and almost no whitewater river kayaks ever contract
the disease.
An intermediate host "paddler" seems necessary to transmit the infection. At
first it was believed that transmission only occurred when paddlers emerged
from their kayak shells on land during what may be a mating ritual. During
this ritual each paddler grasps opposite ends of one or both of their shells
and carries it or them around. The kayaker emerging from a shell that is
diseased invariably retreats from the mutated rear end and hurries to be the
first to pick up the other end. The other paddler if not yet infected by the
disease does not seem to recognize the danger and searches around the
diseased end of the kayak shell looking for a place to grasp hold without
tangling with the growth or its tendrils. In the struggle to grasp and carry
the mutated end the disease free but susceptible paddler could be infected
through the open wound often inflicted by the sharp edges of the growth.
This growth is known as the "rudder blade", probably because of the
frequency of the cuts suffered by paddlers carrying the "blade" end). If
this is the route of infection, the spread of this disease could be
prevented if either of the mating pair changed their behavior. The infected
paddler could always lift the back of their shell first no matter how
abhorrent this may be to them. The disease free paddler could be educated to
refuse to "carry" with a diseased kayak shell unless from the front or when
using protection from the blade. Most victims however, seemed to want other
paddlers to become victims like themselves and did not practice "safe
carrying". The Center for Kayak Control warned that exposed rudder blades
might be dangerous and should be sheathed in rubber during the carrying
ritual to prevent cuts and abrasions. The afflicted "front grabbers" have
totally ignored this simple prophylactic measure. Before a massive
educational campaign could get underway promoting "safe carrying" methods to
the not yet infected, new evidence suggesting that no physical contact was
necessary to transmit the infection became available. Many who had never
carried the blade end of a diseased kayak, yet still contracted the disease,
were found to have had one thing in common. They had all been in contact
with clones of the word secretions of John Dowd. Mr. Dowd, an early sufferer
of rudderitis is suspected to have been responsible for infecting many
thousands of victims who came into casual contact with his word secretions.
[Strangely John's word secretions are also widely blamed for the return and
epidemic spread of zero degree bladeanoma (commonly known as flat-feather
disease). This disease was once limited to Arctic regions and at one time
was almost completely wiped out. Now Flat Feather disease has returned with
a vengeance to plague modern paddlers especially those whose quest is
searching for the source of the wind. It is most commonly found among the
"weak wristed"]
New evidence suggests the two most likely routes of rudderitis infection are
from the mouth of one paddler to the ear of susceptible paddlers who have
not been vaccinated, or from the fingers (through the medium of a keyboard
and infected paper) of an already infected individual to the eyes of the
next victim. The initial locus of infection appears to be in the brain of
the victim. Next the victim's kayak sprouts the growth and develops loose
(foot) stools in its bowels. Then, through some mechanism that is not well
understood, the growth on the kayak cripples the paddler's body, especially
the arms. The most widely held theory as to why the paddler becomes crippled
by the growth is that it happens through a mechanism akin to the "training
wheel effect" commonly seen in the offspring of "two wheel" terrestrial
humanoids. When they are attempting to learn to "two wheel" overprotective
parents complicate practice with extra gadgets that prevent the offspring
from doing the main thing they need to practice, that is tilting the "two
wheeler" to turn and for balance. The training wheels effect's other
corollary, Initial Overstablemia, commonly afflicts nervous and anxious
(hydrophobic) paddlers causing them to use grossly enlarged shells that
require great effort to move about.
The only effective treatments for rudderitis have been the total amputation
of the mutant growth or the more costly replacement of the kayaker's whole
shell by one not infected (preferably one with little genetic susceptibility
to the disease to minimize the chance of re infection). Amputation is less
often a total cure because shells having a high susceptibility to the
disease often seem to become even more disobedient and hard to control after
the operation. Amputation or even replacement must often be followed by a
period of rehabilitative therapy for the paddler (to reverse old habits,
such as twitching and tensing of the legs when a change in direction is
contemplated). Halfway measures like keeping the growth from getting wet
(possible only in calm conditions) have been shown to have only a placebo
effect, although some victims believe themselves cured. Formerly healthy
paddlers who thought they could just use the malignant growth sparingly
("only when I really need it") have often fallen victim to "cable dependency
disorders" or even full blown rudder addictions. It has however been
observed that casual users never become as seriously crippled or dependent
as those never vaccinated.
The more times the victim has been vaccinated before developing rudderitis
the milder the crippling if the mutant growth occurs and the less
rehabilitation the victim needs after amputation. It is rare for a
well-vaccinated paddler to ever become infected. Vaccination involves
dipping a paddle in the water repeatedly before becoming infected. Death
rarely occurs but some victims have been heard to audibly snap and then
travel around and around in circles. This is known as "bilateral cable
disorder". It is common during the remaining lifetime of most mutated kayak
shells.
It is believed rudderitis infection originally came from much larger craft
containing many organisms. The infecting organism's mutations may have
evolved symbiotically as the craft themselves evolved into larger and more
unwieldy monsters.
Now that the risk factors are better understood ,there is another way
paddlers can protect themselves from the menace of rudderitis, when
searching for a new kayak shell if a seductive kayak shell purveyor tells
them how easy paddling will be using a preinfected shell, they should JUST
SAY NO!

This has been a public service message from the Center for Kayak Control,
Dr. A. Marsman, chairman


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