>A lot of sea kayakers, especially many posting on Paddlewise, are rather anal retentive. My Dear Young Man, How perceptive of you to recognise this characteristic of sea kayakers. The presence of anally retentive sea kayakers in North America raises serious questions for public security for, if they do exist, it is certain that, like all other primates, they are warmblooded. A furry warmblooded mammal, the House Mouse, must eat its entire body weight per day in order to sustain its production of feces - and a sea kayaker only has fur on its face. Therefore, sea kayakers must eat like demons, to maintain body warmth and the energy needed to post to Paddlewise. These ravenous paddlers descend upon farmers' cornfields and eat perfectly circular and geometrically precise patterns, leaving a sweet-smelling day-glow orange spoor which will later provide an ideal growth medium for funguses specializing in feeding on circular rings of proto-Inuit faeces. The number of cornfields that have been destroyed by sea kayaker attack grows every year in direct proportion to the number of sea kayakers (coincidence? I think not). These funguses are fermented by the sea kaykers into a potent brew often confused with Scotch whiskey and served at yuppie bars to lawyers and day traders who rush right out and buy Internet stocks. Occasionally young children will find stray fungus which they roll into funny cigarettes and smoke exclaiming what "good shit" it is. When all the cornfields have been despoiled these omnivorous primates are sure to turn on human flesh, just as do Mice, if they are once given access to Cheese. I propose therefore that (1) Sea kaykers not be sold cheese, that (2) Sea kayaking clubs be policed by whip weilding Gestapo - like female police wearing short skirts and long leather boots, (3) Paddlers found Dancing naked on the beach should be squashed ruthlessly with a Greenland paddle. Alternatively, as a means of dealing with these malevolent creatures, we may adopt the traditional defence of embracing them vigorously, thereby squeezing out every vistage of excrement and leaving them pure as the driven whitewater paddler. Sincerely, Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G Transcribed by Dr. Inverbon's humble servant John Winters *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************Received on Mon Aug 30 1999 - 05:15:52 PDT
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