As knowledgeable paddlers world wide know, Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM) have provided extraordinary paddling safety since their introduction only a few short years ago. We are proud of our product and our contribution to paddling safety but recognize that no one device can provide complete paddling safety. In the search for ever more efficient and practical safety devices our engineers have monitored hundreds of thousands of E-Mail messages on newsgroups and mailing lists to isolate the most important safety concerns of paddlers. >From that extensive research they have determined; 1. That back-up systems for every safety device can significantly improve your safety should disaster strike. 2. That failure of moving parts are perceived as the most frequent equipment failures resulting in accidents. Based on these observations we then analyzed the failure rates of all the moving parts in a kayak and discovered the single most unreliable moving part in a sea kayak is the paddler. Paddlers are prone to an enormous variety of failures including but not limited to lapses in judgement, poor skills, separation from their boats, loss of power and even complete loss of motion. Despite these obvious failings no supplier of sea kayak safety equipment has developed a reliable back-up system for the paddler - until today. Today Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM) LTD. proudly announces ARBEE - the first Redundant Paddler (RB). ARBEES are small third world humans selected for their ability to fit in an aft hatch where they are instantly available for use. Each is guaranteed to know at least 17 different rolling methods and has received BCU, ACA and CRCA instruction in all paddling styles and techniques. ARBEES can survive on very little food and come in a variety of nationalities. All ARBEEs are environmentally friendly being manufactured by poverty stricken women from natural organic materials. ARBEEs come complete with their own skinny little paddle and color co-ordinated rain gear. Completely at home in boats with or without rudders they come fully certified as card carrying members of either the Evangelical Rudderless Adventist Church, The Unitarian Skeg Brotherhood, or the First Church of Conservative Rudder Wigglers. Here are just a few testimonials from test paddlers. "Not only did my ARBEE save my life but I have learned to speak Spanish since installing my ARBEE. Thank You Genuine Canadian Ballast Rock LTD for your contributions to kayak safety." JF, Bangor, Maine "Since installing my ARBEE my paddling confidence has grown and I now regularly paddle in extreme conditions without fear. I never knew what I was missing." Bk Tampa, Florida "Last week my daughter ran off with my ARBEE. Now we will not have to pay for installing a second bathroom. Do you have any female ARBEE's. I have a son that won't let me watch my shows on TV." SD, New York, New York. These are but a few of the many happy ARBEE users. For more information visit our web site at http://www.thebestsafetydevicesintheworld.com Yours for better paddling Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G President, Genuine Canadian Ballast Rock LTD. (TM) *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
-----Original Message----- From: 735769 <735769_at_ican.net> To: PaddleWise_at_lists.intelenet.net <PaddleWise_at_lists.intelenet.net> Date: Wednesday, September 29, 1999 5:16 PM Subject: [Paddlewise] ARPEE >Today Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM) LTD. proudly announces ARBEE - >the first Redundant Paddler (RB). >ARBEES are small third world humans selected for their ability to fit in an >aft hatch where they are instantly available for use Cute.. I just hope you didn't write this at work! (GRIN). BTW... being of 3rd world origin I suppose the ARBEES are completely disposable, in keeping with our first world heritage? *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
----- Original Message ----- From: 735769 <735769_at_ican.net> To: <PaddleWise_at_lists.intelenet.net> Sent: Wednesday, September 29, 1999 11:07 AM Subject: [Paddlewise] ARPEE > As knowledgeable paddlers world wide know, Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks > (TM) have > provided extraordinary paddling safety since their introduction only a few > short years ago. Forgive my ignorance of the Ballest Rocks I'm from California. Do the rocks come in neon-coloured-teflon-coated-carbon-kevlar-velcro-attached-rip-stop? Do you accept mastercard? Do you ship Fed-Ex? *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
In a message dated 9/29/99 7:52:15 PM, vaughan_at_jps.net writes: >I'm from California. Sorry to hear that, but we'll let it slide... ;-) > >Do the rocks come in >neon-coloured-teflon-coated-carbon-kevlar-velcro-attached-rip-stop? >Do you accept mastercard? Only when you order the caffe latte mocha grande w/a shot of hazelnut, topped with whipped cream.. >Do you ship Fed-Ex? Add $178.32 to base shipping charges for Fed-Ex Scott Ooops, you wanted Canadian?? These are genuine Florida Keys ballast rocks.... *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
On Wed, 29 Sep 1999 MadPoodle_at_aol.com wrote: > >Do the rocks come in > >neon-coloured-teflon-coated-carbon-kevlar-velcro-attached-rip-stop? > >Do you accept mastercard? > > Only when you order the caffe latte mocha grande w/a shot of hazelnut, > topped with whipped cream.. > > >Do you ship Fed-Ex? > > Add $178.32 to base shipping charges for Fed-Ex > > Scott > > Ooops, you wanted Canadian?? These are genuine Florida Keys ballast rocks.... > Scott, are you guys making fun of me? Paddling out of North Uist, I had to really put rocks in the tippy l'il Brit boats for ballast. (Except on expedition when we were loaded with camping gear). I can definitely testify that the Lewisian gneiss makes good ballast, having probably twice the specific gravity of the South Florida oolitic limestone. e Elaine Harmon - eilidh_at_dc.seflin.org - eharmon_at_cs.miami.edu *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
In a message dated 9/29/99 11:16:04 PM, eharmon_at_cs.miami.edu writes: >Scott, are you guys making fun of me? Elaine, you thrash my feelings. This is a serious list,i would never do such a thing.... >I can definitely >testify that the Lewisian gneiss makes good ballast, having probably twice >the specific gravity of the South Florida oolitic limestone. e May I remind you its also a family list. Such language, shocking..... Scott *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
(SNIP) > >Cute.. I just hope you didn't write this at work! (GRIN). What else does one do at work? :-) >BTW... being of 3rd world origin I suppose the ARBEES are completely >disposable, in keeping with our first world heritage? OHH, absolutely. Cheers, John Winters Redwing Designs Web site address, http://home.ican.net/~735769 *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
> >Forgive my ignorance of the Ballest Rocks >I'm from California. > >Do the rocks come in >neon-coloured-teflon-coated-carbon-kevlar-velcro-attached-rip-stop? >Do you accept mastercard? >Do you ship Fed-Ex? The genuine article (not the imitation stuff from the US) comes only in a Gneiss Gray with those cute little flecks of sparkling Iron pyrite. No credit cards. Send certified checks to our account in The Cayman Islands. We lob them across the border using traditional castle siege attack weaponry. Cheers, John Winters Redwing Designs Web site address, http://home.ican.net/~735769 *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
Dear Dr. Inverbon, I need a troop of 200 ARBEE's, fluent in Inuit language and Spanish with Colombian accent, to infiltrate the cockpits of the kayaks of the 4000 year old Colombian-Inuit drug dealing mafia. Please aim your castle siege weaponry to the following coordinates for delivery of the ARBEE's 122W 37N. As soon as I see the first ARBEE flying on the horizon I will send one of my representatives with a brief case containing our previously discussed price in eurodollar bills. As this is such a good business for you, I hope you would not mind throwing in a female ARBEE that would take my wife out shopping while I paddle during the weekends. - Julio (sorry, I can not reveal in public the agency I am representing) *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
Fine Sir, I must respectfully disagree with your obvious bias with respect to outlandish claims, denoted by your website: >For more information visit our web site at >http://www.thebestsafetydevicesintheworld.com Your limiting use of an ARPEE is a discredit to your normally excellent logic. To advise impressionable paddlers to only carry one ARPEE in their hatch simply proves that your device is indeed, not the best safety device in the world, and an inferior product. Here at Tim-Win Safety Devices, Inc, our vast testing in our flat-water test tank has conclusively shown that carrying a pair of, what you term, ARPEES, in one's rear hatch is far superior. After much consultation with our Taiwanese instruction writers, my company now offers an easy-to-deploy web harness that secures two ARPEES, one per side, allowing a level of stability hitherto, unobtainable. Our previous system, which I admittedly had claimed to be the best in the world, had one draw back - too much drag. Our new and improved, double-deployed ARBEES, once given the command to start swimming, actually increases hull speed by 50%. The best third-world ARPEES for this purpose come from southern pacific latitudes, where often they even provide their own snorkeling gear, allowing for boomer avoidance and white shark warnings. Our harness package comes complete with marine-grade velcro, lever-lock buckles (we don't use side-release-buckles anymore), and two full-length body stickers which say "I am a safety device". These stickers are necessary so as to assuage Coast Guard officials who would otherwise think you were smuggling illegal immigrants. Also, due to Coast Guard regulations, you can utilize our previous sp*ns*ns by attaching one each to each ARPEE, thereby meeting the requirement for personal floatation. Take my word for it, this *is* the best safety device on the market. All others are obsolete, and utterly useless. You can visit my web site at: >http://www.absolutleythebestsafetydevicesintheworld.com Yours in safety, Timmy *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
|Take my word for it, this *is* the best safety device on the market. All |others are obsolete, and utterly useless. |You can visit my web site at: |>http://www.absolutleythebestsafetydevicesintheworld.com |Yours in safety, |Timmy Evil, Evil, Evil! Loved it..... Very very very well done! 8-) It really is a Friday isn't it. Dan McCarty *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
>Fine Sir, > >I must respectfully disagree with your obvious bias with respect to >outlandish claims, denoted by your website: > >>For more information visit our web site at >>http://www.thebestsafetydevicesintheworld.com > > (SNIP) Always at least one slime ball wanting to jump on the bandwagon and reap the fruits of someone else's labour. Our lawyers will talk with your lawyers. Sincerely, Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
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