[Paddlewise] Unreasonable fear

I experienced something yesterday that substantially shook the foundations of
my confidence. Thought it might be interesting to recount here.





My life has been one of pretty well ignoring fears that cropped up at me from
time to time. But this was different. I was actually scared.





My Army life was what you might call a lark. We did stupid things in
helicopters, jumped out of perfectly good aircraft, happily put ourselves in
all sorts of dangers, played like kids with toys that could easily kill us...
all with little or no thought of death.





Raced motorcycles during most of my younger years.





Following the Military, I worked with a group of people who risked their lives
monthly, if not weekly... still no serious fear.





And after that I began my own small business... another kind of risk,
emotional and financial. Did OK. It was a different kind of fear, but
manageable.





But recently, I decided to learn kayaking. The first short experiences were
exhilarating... till yesterday. I finally met fear head on.





Not really being *into* this sport yet, we're renting boats from a local
dealer. Well, we went with a group of about 15 people for our first serious
open water outing. The instructor had an earache, was in a bad mood, and
generally seemed to just want to get this trip over with. I was given a
smaller (shorter and narrower) boat than I had been in previously... and one
with a very rounded bottom. And my 6'-5" frame barely squeezed into the
cockpit. But I figured he knew what he was doing in assigning me this craft.





The wind was high, the waves were up (in my opinion anyway) but we headed out.
We weren't 200 yards offshore when I felt something was seriously wrong. The
kayak was far too tipsy and unstable. I should have ignored the
"encouragement" voiced across the waves by the instructor that I "would get
the feel of it soon". I never did. I thought the trip across the channel to
the other shore would never end. I was the last one to arrive... far behind
everyone else. (Except the one assistant instructor who stayed near... BLESS
her!)





All during the return trip I kept actually softly pleading a prayer aloud that
I would make it back safe.





The odd thing about all this is that I knew in my mind that I was in no real
danger... We had practiced all the techniques, wet exit, single recovery, dual
rescue, etc. I am a very strong swimmer, and I also felt comfortable with the
training I had received. I was just gripped with an unreasonable fear that I
couldn't overcome.





In the past 28 hours I've had a lot of time to reflect upon that frightening
ordeal. I know that I will soon get back into a kayak... but one I'm familiar
and comfortable with. I know I will return to exactly the same place, and I
know I will get beyond this. I merely wanted to comment on how quickly you can
get in over your head if you let your thoughts run away with you. 





Perhaps this isn't much of a story, but somehow I felt the need to relate it.
Maybe someday, sometime, remembering these few paragraphs will help someone
else to come to grips with senseless fear.





Bill









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