[Paddlewise] Trolls (PC version)

Phillip Torrens wrote;
>
> Sorry Rob, much as I hate to admit it (I'm Canadian myself), Canadian
> Ballast Rocks are now old technology, having been usurped by the new
> dynamically self-correcting Norwegian Stability Trolls. Orginally
developed
> by the same lab that created ARPEEs (now brought out by Healy-Hansen) the
> Norwegian Stability Troll is small enough to live below decks in your
boat.
> Once he detects the boat exceeding the preprogramed angle of heel*, he
> scurries to the other side of the boat to offset the rolling effect.


My Dear Young Man,

How nice to hear that the youth of our nation are keeping abreast of the
latest technology but I cannot forebear but to correct some
misunderstandings regarding the  Norwegian Stability Troll.

In 1972 while our engineers perfected the Genuine Canadian Ballast Rock (TM)
we also investigated the Norwegian Stability
Troll and found a number of defects that have not been addressed in the
latest model rushed into production by a Norwegian Government desperate to
improve its trade balance in the face of a plummeting Euro.

Firstly, the Norwegian Stability Troll, when taught to speak English, loses
its work ethic and  migrates to the Edmonton Mall where they smoke
cigarettes, play video games, and engage in incomprehensible horseplay with
pierced teenagers. Indeed, so assimilated have they become ( the trolls)
that one cannot tell a troll from a teenager. I must say in their defense
that I much admire their dental hygiene for I have often seen them
vigorously and publicly cleaning each other's fillings. There is a little
good in all of us.

Secondly, while trolls do provide  moving ballast they are easily distracted
by bare flesh which they consider a great delicacy. It is for this reason
that trolls are no longer used in warmer climes. My understanding is that
they have returned to the trusty self-righting gerbil. Those who paddle in
the nude are strongly advised against using trolls.

Thirdly, Norwegian Stability Trolls do look rather nice in the garden but
they resent being dressed up in frilly little maid's uniforms.

Fourthly, as everyone who has ever read fairy tales to his niece knows,
trolls are
easily distracted by goats and prefer to live under bridges. Unless one
steers clear of migratory goat herds and doesn't mind installing a small but
carefully detailed model of the Golden Gate Bridge on the after deck a troll
will never function correctly and will wander about the deck mewling
piteously and slobbering on your Gore-Tex. One would do well to avoid
migratory goat herds in any case particularly at sea.

Finally, the most serious defect in the Norwegian Stability
Troll, will be discovered by anyone making the mistake of paddling with
fundamentalist paddlers who always tell the truth no matter how much it
hurts. Trolls, as is accurately reported by the Peer Gynt Society of
Norwegian Folklore can be defeated by three truths. Thus any three truths
such as "Your Mother wears Army boots" or "My butt itches" or "This jerky
tastes like cow dung" will disable your troll.

So, while Norwegian Stability Trolls may have a future in the kayak world,
it has not yet arrived. The Genuine Canadian Ballast Rock (TM) has
two - hundred -million years of proven success as the only reliable
stability
enhancing device having held Canada firmly in place despite continental
drift, the Liberals, and the American media. Indeed, its stable nature is
its finest attribute. You don't have to strap them on, blow them up, speak
kindly to them, whip them, or dress them in imitation leather Gore-Tex and
chains to keep them happy and functional.


Sincerely,
Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G

Transcribed by Dr. Inverbon's humble servant John Winters








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