[Paddlewise] Trolls

Truly the Internet is a wonderful thing and one can't tell who is reading
the posts . As it happens my dear friend and colleague, Professor Septimus
Brope of the Norwegian Studies Department at Pagwa University, heard about
our discussion on trolls through another colleague who was surfing the
mailing lists and stumbled upon Paddlewise thinking it was devoted to the
British public school practice of paddling young boys in the privacy of the
headmaster's office. He was disappointed but passed along the Stability
Troll posts to Professor Brope who, in turn, has sent me this informative
missive.

Dear Professor Inverbon,

How nice to hear that you are out of prison after that unfortunate incident
in Pond Inlet. Let me say that I never for a minute believed that you did
those things to those Inuit children and I am certain DNA testing will
exonerate you. However, that is not why I am writing.

I hope you do not think me immodest to reminding you that I am the world's
leading expert on trolls and will find the following useful to you in your
troll related discussions.

As you know, prior to the invasion of Norway by the Inuit in 745 AD and the
decline of Norway from a free market society into a socialist matriarchal
dependency, bridges were controlled by private non-human entrepreneurs who
built the bridges and exacted a troll from those crossing the bridge. These
entrepreneurs were called indigenous troll collectors (their being no
Germans in tanks in those days) and they lived under their bridges so as to
be close by when goats or others tried to sneak across the bridge without
paying. They posted signs at the bridge saying STOPP PAY TROLL so every one
would know what was expected. Nevertheless, whether because they could not
read or did not know that a TROLL was just another name for money they had
stolen from British kayakers who forgot to take the money out of their pants
before hanging them out to dry at night, they would often attempt to cross
without paying.

The Trolls (for they became known as Trolls in the same way that people who
stole from the public purse became known as Politicians after the old Greek
word  Polis meaning one who steals toothpaste from children) were not
cannibals and would not eat another Troll  even on a dare. They would,
however, eat goats, people, or Norwegian folk dancers (but only without sour
cream) and so they would leap out grabbing the bridge sneakers  (who could
not run very fast in their ill fitting sneakers made from lemming skins) and
would eat them.  As a warning to others they would leave the cleaned skull
(Trolls were environmentally advanced and would not waste anything) and two
crossed leg bones at the bridge end.

Lawyers, who knew a good thing when they saw it and admired the Trolls for
their ability to pick a traveler's pocket and his bones at the same time,
adopted the skull and crossed bones as their symbol. Later when some went on
to more honorable pursuits such as piracy they retained the skull and
crossed bones for their flags. While few pirates use the skull and crossed
bones today and prefer corporate logos, a few, such as students at Harvard
retain their ancient symbol.

While the lawyers stole the Troll's symbol it was the humans who threatened
the Troll monopoly by building their own bridges close to MacDonald's
franchises, charged troll and sold Pepto-Bismol. They too put up signs
saying STOPP PAY TROLL. The Trolls saw their livelihood withering away and
filed suit for copyright infringement. Even though the Trolls won their suit
(having employed the most vicious  lawyers) the humans circumvented the
ruling by changing the wording on their signs to STOP PAY TOLL which
survives to this day in New York and New Jersey.

An interesting parallel exists today in the form of the ACA which has stolen
"Greenland Paddling Style" and promoted it as their own and their
instructors as the only "proper" practitioners of the art. I have no doubt
that the Greenlanders will win a copyright suit over their name but that
will not stop the ACA from changing the name to something like "Groanland
Style" and will convince paddlers that "Groanland style" predates "Greenland
Style" just as the British have  convinced the world that they invented the
kayak.

I hope this is useful to you and once again  my congratulations on your
commencement from prison.

Sincerely,

Septimus Brope Ph.D etc. etc.

I am sure paddlewise readers will find Dr. Brope's letter interesting for
the light it sheds on this unfortunate period in Norwegian history which has
so much meaning given the paucity of Norwegian history in the first place.
Indeed, the very lack of history is one reason why Norwegians feel so at
home in Canada.

Sincerely,
Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G

Transcribed by Dr. Inverbon's humble servant John Winters


P.S. I only transcribe this stuff. I am not Professor Inverbon nor am I
Septimus Brope. Get it straight people.

J.W.




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