> Peter wrote; > > (SNIP) > > > Did they, I wonder, use the stones to trim the baidarkas to run straight > > downwind: obviously a mechanically simpler solution than rudders or fins. > > > > There was a time when I did not believe the Inuit sufficiently advanced to > have developed the moving stone technique. I would laugh, and say, You Are > Surely Not Suggesting, That Any Sane People would bowl rocks inside a kayak > at sea? I have, however, become a believer. > > There are still today, similarly, those who do not believe that the Inuit > initiated the crack cocaine trade by using Crotch Dirigibles flying low over > San Francisco and Dropping Cocaine laden Gerbils into Gay bars. (The tragedy > of Inuit ad men failing to provide proper instructions for the use of the > gerbils persists today much to the chagrin of the ASPCA.) How could the > Inuit carry huge rocks of cocaine in simple crotch dirigibles? They would > fall down. Ah yes, I reply - but they did fall down. There is not one crack > cocaine Inukshuk standing today, a testament to the > incompetence of Inuit masons. If the Inuit did import cocaine by air they > must have done so with Antigravity devices? > > Some people will retort, You Poor Deluded Man, Antigravity is impossibile. > The Inuit must have used smoke and mirrors to give the impression of > levitation. But clearly this could not have been the case. The Inuit had > only primitive water mirrors that would have spilled their reflective > surface in any upper atmosphere turbulence and FAA rules forbid flying > while smoking crack. Besides, Antigravity is known to exist in nature. Have > you not seen Hollywood starlets high as kites on just a few rocks of > cocaine? > > Clearly they are repelled by the earth's gravitational field. I myself have > observed them in flight on Rodeo Drive. Granted, they must jettison most of > their clothing but we now know the earth's gravitational pull is greater > than it was during the time of the dinosaurs that had to be extremely large > in order to keep their feet on the ground. Some starlets who get airsick > implant huge quantities of silicone in their chests in order to keep them > from flying off in all directions. > > But I digress. > > The rocks used by the Aleut were crack cocaine rocks and, instead of using > the rocks to hold the stern down, they used them to hold the Bow Up. In > this way they mimicked planing thus confusing modern naval archeologists who > believe they paddled hard enough to plane when they really practiced > controlled levitation. As it only takes a small rock of cocaine to lift a > large breasted starlet one can easily see how, by moving the rocks around > the boat, an Aleut paddler could raise his bow and drift straight downwind > without broaching. Early attempts to adapt the sliding seat to this purpose > failed as the Aleuts, intrigued by the possibilities of greasing their bums > in the San Francisco manner, found themselves uncontrollably sliding back > and forth in their boats. They tried using lemmings in lieu of gerbils but > lemmings lack the fore paw strength to hold on to the willow ribs. Not all > practices survive geographic transference. You can take the gerbil out of > the homosexual but you can't make him grasp a willow rib. So, yes, the > Aleuts did use moveable rocks to trim their boats but not in the modern > manner. > > You may ask, What did they do to restore stability? The answer is clear from > early photographs. The Aleuts used Russians. The mass of a Russian is well > known and one or two in the center cockpit would hold the boat down even > while the Russian was molesting a female astronaut. > > The primary function of Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM) is to promote > stability and self righting capabilities. Moving rocks around to change trim > could cause back problems and, if placed too far aft will reduce its > spermicidal effects. Our instruction manual quite clearly warns against > this. Also, when one has rigged the rocks for self righting (rigid mounting > described on page seventy-three of our user's manual) the rocks require too > much time to move if you require a rapid course change. > > We also caution owners not to mount the rocks on a sliding seat arrangement. > Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM) have a rough surface that will cause > hemorrhoids that no amount of White Rose petroleum Jelly will prevent. > > Sincerely, > Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G > > Transcribed by Dr. Inverbon's humble servant John Winters > > > > > > *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List - All postings copyright the author and not to be reproduced outside PaddleWise without author's permission Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
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