Ed said: <<By making kayaking appear to be dangerous, demanding, risky, equipment-intensive, and needing extensive instruction from "trained" or "certified" paddlers serves to inflate the macho image of the sport and the egos of the participants.>> Oh you silly man, Mr. Ed. Don't you realize how dangerous kayaking truly is, whether on the sea, lakes, or in rivers -- even out of the water. Have you not been reading your daily PW posts? Have you not seen the anecdotal, yet undeniable and even empirical evidence that so often surfaces to support this notion? Surely good sir, you have seen recent discussions that suggest participants could die, regardless of whether life jackets are worn or not. And now, it would appear that it doesn't matter what width your kayak is, skinny or wide, you could capsize and die. Whirlpools can suck you in, and crossing large eddy fences might terrify you to death. Tethers strangulate you, boats crash down on you in the surf, paddles snap in rapids -- impaling your thigh and causing venous insufficiency and possible resultant death while you search for a medical center of choice; kayaks come flying off roof racks from the car in front of you on the way to the put-in, killing you before you can say "Go to Matt's web site", all 'cause the owners didn't use tie down lines on both ends; and people are parralized for life and eventually shut off life support after suffering sever neurological damage from lifting British heavies up to their roof racks. Boat wake knocks you over in Manhattan, jet skies run you down in Maine, planes fall out of the sky on Vancouver Island, and fast ferries sink you in BC with their 30 foot aerated waves. Give your head a shake, man! Talk about a dangerous sport or what. Demanding doesn't even begin to describe it. And if the above examples aren't bad enough, what about the historical archives on PW? Death by lightning, death by calving glaciers, death by head dinking, death by gelcoat pinhole leakage, death by fired flares in a bathtub, death by cave exploration while a sea was running, death by a spray skirt loop breaking off, deathe by hyperthermia from drysuites; and death in a cheap plastic sit-on-top from Costco that came with no instructions to take qualifies instruction. Okay, maybe people didn't die in all these examples, but boy, they could have -- right Ed? Hey, there is even recorded evidence of character assassinations by spxnsxn man! Mental abuse kills too, slowly, but it does kill you know! Are you blind, man? It isn't even safe on shore. Wolves are now tearing off the scalps of hapless kayakers, and funnel web spiders inject poisonous venom into unsuspecting, lounging paddlers lying on the beach. Victims bodies bloat to twice their normal size from the toxins. Now that's inflated. And sharks! Yikes, kayakers are going down like little Minnows, if you believe all the tragic information posted by "informed" Paddlewisers with a penchant for manipulating statistics. Get this buddy: Poorly trained instructors are not indicating _enough_ of the dangers to the unwary public, who come along to investigate the sport of kayaking. Only the officially trained and certified know the inherent dangers, and only they can truly convey them with grace and authority, using as little verbiage as possible. Come on guy, even buying the wrong kayak can be the first step toward an ill-fated death. Get with the program, mister! And what does this have to do with ego, prey tell?. It is the humble hearted indeed who hold back so much dangerous detail so as not to scare off yup-yakers wanting to saturate my sport and my beaches and my ocean. I should add that through tireless investigation and countless hours working with the biocentric Giha foundation, I have uncovered a heinous plot by old ma nature to rid this planet of weekend kayakers who do not sell everything, leave family and friends, give up all security, and take longer voyages. That's right, you little shrub of a man, most of us recreational kayakers who don't succumb to the above mentioned plethora of death causation's, are in for the fight of our lives if we continue to paddle as simple recreation paddlers looking for a little r&r and stimulation in life. It would appear that nature is using marine fauna and infauna to carry out the elimination process. Recently, a human head was found inside a giant cod near Brisbane, Australia. It was no doubt the remains of Laurie Ford, the famous, fanatic electric pump purveyor. (the newspaper misprinted the details a bit though - it should have read "giant head found in cod"). He bit off more than he could chew this time in those 40 foot waves. Further proof comes from Australia again, where crocodiles eat unsavory, smelly braggarts alighting from their kayaks in northern provinces; giant jellyfish reach out to touch someone, and leave the victim screaming to their deaths; sea snakes slither up your arm, injecting their life-sucking venom; and where the shark attacks are real, the malignant marine creatures even like fiberglass as an appetizer (Californian sharks prefer plastic -- kind of obvious). Down under, humans use marine life for impromptu games of water tennis (our own PW'ers for peat's sake) and you wonder why Mother Nature is conspiring to get us! Still don't believe me? Recently a large sword fish speared a man in the leg, pining him for two days against the inside wooden planking of his vessel. What the papers didn't tell you was the the killer swordfish was aiming for Duane, who was doing a solo crossing to the Galapagos as he sped past the lone fisherman (the fish missed when Duane said he could "roll like nobody", and the errant sharp bill just missed Duane, as Duane flipped over in the nick of time). Some species have been doing this type of stuff for awhile. Evidence John Dowds and his tales of flying fish bashing paddlers silly, when they suddenly veer toward you at 40 kilometers an hour; boobies storming out of their bird caves, bloodying the faces of defenseless kayakers; and barracudas demonstrating viscerally why fiberglass hulls are inherently safer than canvas. And you call bang-sticks "equipment-intensive". How would you like a Barracuda up your bum? Then there are reports on PW of seals leaping on the decks of kayaks. This indicates to me they are examining us for our weaknesses. I've had crabs crawl right up on my deck, too -- and you know what they did to Davey Jones. I just say, "Hey little critter, I just paddle on weekends", and the little pinchers just jump back in the water. I fear more attacks will occur to kayakers not sold out and fully commited to kayaking around the globe as their vocation, inspiration and source of life. I'm desperately trying to get my theories into the BCU and ACA curriculum. Only advanced paddlers will be made aware of these issues, so that the current level of retail sales of kayaks and kayaking gear might not be curtailed -- wouldn't want that market to die off. So you see, my good man, there is a lot more danger out there than first meets the eye. I have only highlighted a few of the dangers, both from my research and from a small sampling of PW postings. You must be a new subscriber to PW, so therefore were not aware of all this overwhelming evidence. Therefore, I will forgive you and berate you no longer -- if you agree to the same, and stop your discourteous assertions about underlying machismo. And I should mention that just being on PW can be dangerous. My wife is standing over my shoulder right now, threatening me with physical harm, if I do not cease and desist on PW. Death and danger lurk everywhere my dear friend :-). BC'in Ya (if I live) Doug "danger" Lloyd (get it?) *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List - All postings copyright the author and not to be reproduced/forwarded outside PaddleWise without author's permission Submissions: PaddleWise_at_PaddleWise.net Subscriptions: PaddleWise-request_at_PaddleWise.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************Received on Tue Sep 12 2000 - 23:27:11 PDT
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