[Paddlewise] The Tale of Prudy Kawsus: Safety Czar

The Tale of Prudy Kawsus: Safety Czar





Prudy Kawsus enjoys her time paddling the inland waters of the Pacific 


Northwest almost as much as she does her career as Safety Coordinator for the

influential lobbying group Kruk, Reiver, Bezler and Grafft. She has 


successfully merged her dual passions of watersports and safety advocacy 


since a traumatic childhood incident where she was bitten by a snake she 


assisted across a river. From then on Prudy played it safe.





While dining on take out Chinese food in her office one evening she caught a 



frenzy emerging on the television set she kept on low in the background. A 


missing girl, Andrea, was out rowing her dory in a neighborhood pond. Only 


the dory was recovered. The media gobs, so known for their facial icing, 


resinous hair and Storm Watch clothing circulated wildly around the scene for

any hint of blood in the water. There was none, only an empty dory hauled out

on the beach. The police searched for clues while the media gobs provoked new

angles on the assumed tragedy. Would greater regulation have prevented this 


accident, they mused?





Prudy shelved her evening project and immediately began pecking away at the 


proposed safety regs she had been working on in her spare time. These regs 


concerned the regulation of all paddlesports in the state. Perhaps the time 


was now right to work with legislators and promote greater safety 


requirements for all involved in paddling. Contacting influential legislators

she proposed a demonstration of gear and required skills mandated for 


paddling along any public waterways in the state.





The media gobs, alerted by Senator Helmut Doffur, of the Safety Oversight 


Committee for the Department of Natural Resources, descended on Prudy's 


demonstration. In front of cameras and microphones Prudy discussed the 


benefits of her wetsuit and paddler's dry top. She then donned her spray 


skirt, PFD, water wings and inflatable collar, most commonly seen on dozing 


airline passengers. Walking over to her kayak on the beach she explained the 



gear lying by its side. There were the usual: safety flares, mirrors, and 


float bags, a cellular phone, VHF radio stuffed in a dry bag and a new 


waterproof bullhorn was mounted on the deck. All the spaces within the kayak 



were to be entirely filled with closed cell foam to make it unsinkable.





"I thought kayakers often spent nights out on islands or remote coastlines?" 



asked reporter, miss Bunny Clevis. "They would have, but it's dangerous and 


shouldn't be legal," concluded Prudy to the strangely painted reporter. "How 



would that have prevented last week's near tragedy", replied Bunny. "Near 


tragedy?" asked Prudy. "They found Andrea at her friends house eating ice 


cream and watching Jackass reruns. Apparently her mom missed the note she 


left in her room." "Well, it wouldn't have, but others get hurt or killed in 



kayaks and we think it's sensible to add minor precautions. Many in our sport

have been clamoring for this for years", concluded Prudy. 





Prudy went on with her demo. "I added outriggers to both sides of the kayak 


she explained. Furthermore, as a backup I permanently installed these outside

mounted safety sponsons. My paddle is coated in ½ inch thick closed cell foam

in case you bump your head," she laughed. "You'd be surprised!" The cameras 


whirled and clicked, the microphone booms dropped lower. "My Piece de 


Resistance, she cackled, "A clear lexan modified dive bell." The crowd howled

as she donned the plastic bubble around her head and sealed it about her neck

and shoulders. She thought she was progressive, everyone else thought she 


looked like a refugee from a fish tank."To make it suitable for kayaking I 


added a purge valve and a small air cartridge activated by this pull tab. 


It's good for 5 minutes below, at least," she said, barely audible from poor 



sound penetration of the dive bell. Prudy Kawsus, self appointed Safety Czar 



and now inner space explorer look alike, dragged her boat to the beach waving

to the media gob chase boat.





She launched her kayak and was surprised to see containment booms parallel to

the beach. "They don't cost much and they keep the free spirited types within

50 meters of the shore", spoke Senator Doffur. "How do they enable other 


watercraft into this beach?" Asked Bunny. "Every half mile or so a floating 


dock will house a lifeguard who will lift the line for any boat heading in." 



"Wouldn't that be expensive?" "They can just close the sections down not 


funded. It'll congregate the paddlers into popular areas, which will help 


them pair up more wisely. They should have listened before, but now they have

to", he said as the boat cruised slowly behind the now bewildered paddler. 


Prudy felt unsure about this addition and insecure that events were slipping 



out of control.





The media gobs loves a good fight. After Prudy's demo, Bunny interviewed a 


noted kayak designer and retailer in the city. "What are your thoughts on the

matter of safety Mr. Carliss?" "I liked the dive bell," he replied curtly 


with his arms crossed about his chest. "No really, Mr. Carliss?" "What ever 


happened to personal responsibility," he yelled out. "It doesn't fit the 


profile of the story." "Nor did that girl turning up at her friends house 


watching Jackass!" He sneered. "No, your right, sir, that didn't either so we

decided not to run with it." At 6PM Mr.Carliss was portrayed as a cranky 


traditionalist clinging to a failed ideology and attacking the media for 


"that girl", alluding to last weeks tragedy, though most of the viewers did 


not know "that girl" was just fine, though grounded at home.





Prudy paddled again, though she couldn't get comfortable in the dive bell. 


The water wings chafed her arms and the foam covered paddle dragged slowly 


and often struck the outriggers. The collar made her feel like a whiplash 


victim.  She felt betrayed by the containment booms and thought how the whole

thing got away from her. She wanted a snack but nowhere in the 17 foot kayak 



would a snack bag fit because of the foam. She was miserable and wanted to 


give the whole proposed regs up. Senator Helmut Doffur was of no use anymore.

A firm safety zealot, he said to her: "Prudy, this thing is bigger than you, 



it's about the people and the elimination of risk. You started it!" 





Prudy was lonely and miserable. Her friends abandoned her and she couldn't 


get a date anymore. After the law was passed she found paddling to be 


unenjoyable and no one would buy her kayak as everyone else thought so, too. 



Senator Helmut Doffur thought she weenied out on the final days of the 


legislative battle. He complained to the boys back at Kruk, Reiver, Bezler 


and Grafft who promptly fired her. "Can't have too many independent types," 


they said. In 2002, independence, personal responsibility and now kayaking 


were doomed to obscurity. Prudy Kawsus wept as she had apparently been bitten

by the second snake in her life on the water.








Rob G





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