[Paddlewise] Fear not, the government approved regulation safety cavalry is coming!

(GNS) Gibbert News Services
June 4, 2002/Opinion and Editorial by Rob Gibbert

What were those dastardly Adventure Racers doing in the water? Have they no 
respect for the sea? Those skinny little plastic boats are not designed for 
this! They are only to be used in the summer...in fair weather...on calm 
water...This sounds like a job for the Government Approved Safety Regulation 
Cavalry! (dum-de-dee-duuuummm).

Since the first prehistoric humans saved themselves from flash floods by 
clinging to logs, no doubt averting drownings, our race has been preoccupied 
with improving our lot while afloat. from the lowly log to the inboard jet 
motor the very notion of progress itself continues to be threatened by an 
unlikely source-kayakers. 

Society has bequeathed its members with certain advantages hard won from past 
experiences. We now have motors, luxury lodges, safely guided trips, theme 
parks and what not to satisfy our cravings for adventure. Yet, a small and 
relentless mob of miscreants continue to undermine the very fabric of our 
culture. These *Kayakers,* whose chosen craft is just slightly above the log 
in water craft evolution, insist on donning strange apparel and using 
veritable sticks to propel themselves through the water. As if this 
vertically extended middle finger to the progress made by our forefathers 
were not bad enough, but when the weather turns bad they fail the good senses 
to bring themselves ashore.

Let me be the first to point the long crooked finger down at those ne'er do 
wells: we are going to make them! There are three reasons why a kayaker is of 
no use to society. 1) Their craft is old, outdated, a relic of a time long 
past us. The kayak is an inferior craft that was never intended as for 
anything beyond a calm water, warm summer day outing. Ask any big, tough, sea 
captain, they'll tell ya. They know the difference between a flimsy pointed 
car washing bucket and a big, tough workin' man's boat. 2) Kayakers are as 
allergic to regulation as criminals are to good, hard work. Since they can't 
take a few suggestions on how to behave on the water then we need to ban the 
sport itself. 3) Kayakers scream and moan everytime one of our good corporate 
citizens tries to develop some far off nook of wasteland. If you've ever seen 
a third grader with a smashed twinkie  then you pretty much get the picture 
whenever gold is discovered and the mine is being dug in their favorite 
undeveloped wasteland. I would rather play Foreign Exchange host to an Al 
Quaeda representative than try to appease a kayaker. We need to ban them!

Our wise men and women in the bureaus of Ottowa, Washington DC, Ciudad de 
Mexico and London should prepare a legislative blitz to prevent these fools 
from ever viewing the ocean again, let alone board these worthless craft. 
Until our experts in the field develop prohibitions against their use we can 
only pray, brothers and sisters. We can only pray that the body count, 
already higher than an Arnold Wayne Eastwood movie stabilizes and we can save 
and rehabilitate them. But for now we must be patient, until the legislation 
gods speak. Oh, where is that Government Approved Regulation Safety Cavalry 
when you need them?

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