[Paddlewise] At a meeting of "Kayak Snobs Anonymous"....

My name is Craig and I'm a kayak snob.

(Audience: Hello Craig)

It all started innocently enough with an ancient Folbot which I acquired in
1972 for a paddle around a virtually unknown park in British Columbia. That
Folbot was old even then but it carried me and my partner around the Bowron
Lakes which, back then, were the exclusive domain of canoes. Mostly aluminum
canoes carrying hordes of Boy Scouts who camped under yards of clear plastic
tarps in cheap tents sold by Sears. It was all I could do to keep my lip
from curling when a group of them would invade one of our camps. Even back
then we had to camp in designated areas which forced us to spend nights
listening to the sound of plastic whipping in the wind and children whining,
"I'm soaking wet" at 2am. I'm sure that anyone who advanced a plan to
require canoists to camp in places separate from kayakers would have
received my support. Preferably the places where the mosquitoes were.

During the 1970s and 80s my wife and I acquired an aluminum canoe but we
convinced ourselves that it was only to give our growing family the room to
paddle from our house on a small, remote lake north of Seattle to her
parents' house on the same lake about 1/4 mile west. The carrying capacity
of that canoe to put adults, kids, life jackets (which was what we called
"PFDs" back then) made us forget for a while that we still had that faithful
Folbot laying, mostly unused, on the sandy beach. For several years we moved
our family around Sam Lake in that canoe. I'm ashamed to think how we
changed in the following years.

The second instance of kayak snobbery came when I discovered the joys of
white water. Several less-than-successful runs down local creeks had made me
dissatisfied with the canoe; plus my aluminum welding skills were not up to
the task of repairing the boat after every run. And so, in the 1990s, I
migrated to white water kayaks. More specifically, plastic white water
kayaks. Relatively light, short (at least they seemed short back then) and
maneuverable (in fact, they were almost impossible for a novice to keep them
going straight), I began to hang out with a different crowd. Terms like
"Class III plus" were bandied about and anything that wasn't populated by
gigantic boulders partially blocking a torrential river flow was described
as "Class I plus". My lip began to curl again.

But I wasn't at the top of the heap in white water kayaking by any means.
That place was reserved for the creek boaters; the very best of whom were
featured in videos as they hurtled down narrow waterways and burst over and
down incredible drops. I went along with some of these folks and decided
that while I was almost certainly crazy, I wasn't *that* crazy. Besides,
they kept calling me "gramps".

At some point in the 90s my wife convinced me to return to "flat water"
kayaking. She did this be refusing to kayak on anything that was moving
faster than a grandchild could crawl. I tried to be graceful about it but
the thought of all that tranquility filled me with dread.

Imagine, then, my happiness when I discovered that there were even more
opportunities to be a kayak snob in this new field. In white water I could
be snobbish about skills but in flat water kayaking I could be a snob about
the kayaks themselves. The gradations were endless. Each category from
beginner boats to touring boats to sea kayaks was further graduated by
length, hull type, manufacturer and material it was made of. And it gets
better. Every facet of the sport has snob built right into it.

Take paddles, for instance. Canoists blithely use anything as a paddle from
a 2x4 they picked up from the pile next to the garage to something bought at
the local war surplus store. In white water kayaking I don't ever recall
noticing what paddle another kayaker used. Except once when I saw a
playboater using hand paddles (like oversized gloves) in a hole - and not
doing so well, either. We all had a good laugh over that. Anyway, paddles in
flat-water kayaking offer endless variety. Weight, materials, shape,
high-angle, low-angle, manufacturer... they all offer snob appeal. Then
there are the GPs. Just saying the phrase, "My GP" is enough to vault a
kayaker to the top of the paddle-snob heights. And the people who buy a GP
(as opposed to building their own) are at the very bottom; but still higher
than low-angle fiberglass-shaft paddlers. Unable to find the correct wood
for my own GP (you didn't think you could use just *any* wood, did you?) I
discovered the next best thing: a Wing paddle. In paddle-snob ranks there is
only one "European" type paddle that even comes close to a home-built GP and
that's a "wing".

I even went one notch higher. I managed to acquire a wing paddle
manufactured by Werner that was made specifically for the US Canoe and Kayak
Team and is marked that way on each blade!!! I did this through my close
association with the team.... someone who advertised it for sale on
craigslist for $125. Hey, I watched them on television during the
Olympics... give me a break.

We haven't even gotten to actual kayak snobbery yet. We still have drysuits,
PFDs, VHF radios, and GPS units to cover. But in the interests of making
this short, I'll skip ahead.

Let's ignore the skin-on-frame kayaks as that forms an entirely separate
snobbery of its own (greenland, west greenland, baidarka, etc.). I
discovered early in my return to flat-water kayakery that only a
"performance" kayak would be suitable for someone of my skills. I could only
hope that my back could keep up. By watching the mailing lists and magazine
articles closely I discerned that once you get past the materials (plastic
versus fiberglass/kevlar/carbon) there were two basic camps: British kayaks
equipped mostly with skegs; and everyone else equipped mostly with rudders.
After some initial fumbling I discovered kayaks that used *neither* rudders
nor skegs. What luck! I could sneer at all the rest of them combined!!!

But I've begun to regret my climb into the heights of kayak snobbery. Lately
I have even caught myself waving to cars on the freeway carrying (gasp!)
Loons on top!!! Instead of reacting with disdain towards canoists launching
at a nearby put-in, I find myself smiling in acceptance. Joining Kayak-Snobs
Anonymous has helped me a great deal. Plus I realized that no matter what I
paddle, someone - probably in CKF - is going to show me up. I'm retiring
gracefully from snobbery. Whatever you paddle is ok with me.

Just don't touch my Werner wing paddles unless you're on the team and
willing to autograph them.


Craig Jungers
Moses Lake, WA
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