[Paddlewise] Inuit land claims

On returning from my archaeological dig in Pond Inlet I was asked to speak
to a group of Canadian Jurists on the topic of Inuit origins. The jurists,
deeply involved in settling Inuit Land Claims, have given permission for me
to post my talk to paddlewise.

The origin of the Inuit Race has never been agreed upon by
historians.  Canadian industrialists argue that the Inuit are Mongols who
migrated to Canada to slaughter whales, seals and missionaries and infect a
virgin territory with the seeds of communism. Conventional archaeological
wisdom has always supported this argument that the Inuit came here from
across the Bering Straits in Kayaks such as those discovered on the shores
of the training facilities of the BCU  despite the fact that no other great
paddling Civilization has ever developed kayaks suitable for crossing large
expanses of open water without Derek Hutchinson as a guide and instructions
from Nigel Foster. few agree with the communism aspect and most agree that
they sought impregnate a territory of virgins

The Inuit, whom my Mercator Projection atlas tells me once
occupied a region ten times the area of the Roman
Empire, never dared to venture away from their shores for fear they would
encounter sex starved Bay Watch life guards. Those who did get accidentally
blown  offshore came back with horrifying tales of half naked women who
reeked of Chanel #5 stripping off their parkas and having their way with
them. In truth, what they saw were the male lifeguards and the Inuit did not
want the women exposed to them for fear they would never return. This is why
women were not allowed in kayaks. Long distance travel was further hampered
by the Inuit's inability to master sailing. In order to make long passages
one must  be a Sailing Civilization, or a fat man stuffed with Chip Fat, and
the Inuit were neither*.

Where then did the Inuit come from?  The conventional answer is,
of course, that a Mummy Inuit and a Daddy Inuit love each other very
much.  However, scholars have pointed out that the arctic coast is
much convoluted and that early Inuit navigators were
forced to hug the coast and would have had great
difficulty negotiating the increasingly complex and long coastline. At some
point the coast line would become too convoluted to hug in 17 foot kayak and
the Inuit would be forced to camp for the duration.**  Because the coastline
is infinitely long, the Inuit could never have achieved escape velocity.
This is one of the tenets of Chaos
Theory.  Chaos theory also states that Fierce Storms are caused in the
English Channel by Butterflies flapping their wings across the Ocean in
New York.

These butterflies are huge and muscular, and mathematically Cannot Fly.
Of course, this is also what Mathematics said of the S.S. Titanic.  One
must remember, furthermore, that as a Butterfly's Mass increases one
thousand times, the area of its Wings will increase a hundredfold.  What
does this prove? That BIGGER BUTTERFLIES have BIGGER WINGS.

I am indebted to the great Professor von Berlitz for this observation.

But I digress.

No kayaks dating before the coming of Europeans to the Arctic has ever been
discovered. Indeed, despite all efforts native archaeologists have yet to
discover one thread of evidence that the Inuit were here before the
Europeans arrived. How can that be, you ask, did not Inuit people greet the
European explorers when they arrived? It would seem so to the casual
observer. In fact, the explorers were victims of quantum physics and saw
what they expected to see I.E. an indigenous race willing to hunt seals for
a pittance while traders drank port in their cabins and scatological sailors
frolicked on the poop deck.

Thus we are faced with the inescapable conclusion that the Inuit are aliens
beamed down from spaceships  to cloud the minds of British Explorers.
Unfortunately faulty alien transporters failed reassemble the Inuit
improperly which explains why the Inuit do not look like the Aliens pictured
in the tabloid newspapers. Unable to beam them back properly assembled they
just left them leading to the erroneous conclusion by anthropologist that
the Inuit were Indigenous.

However, one counter-argument remains.  If these Inuit came from an advanced
civilization, why did they remain in the Arctic instead of buying condos in
Miami? The reason, of course, is the Alien religious strictures against Real
Estate agents. Only  Protestant aliens were allowed to deal in real estate
and protestants were not allowed on space ships as they were considered
unclean and ate with their left hands. No orthodox aliens would be able to
tolerate them for the extended periods of time needed for interstellar
travel.

If one needs further proof that the Inuit are not indigenous one need only
observe that the BCU and the ACA have had to teach the Inuit how to paddle.
How could they do this if it were not the BCU and ACA who taught them in the
first place?

So, clearly the Inuit are not indigenous and can make no land claims.

*Research at the David Taylor Test Tank has shown that seal fat inhibits
growth as well as increases the resistance of kayaks with the eight power of
ingestion, the more an Inuit paddles the slower he gets and the harder he
works the hungrier he gets and the more fat he eats etc. etc.

** Historical sources agree that it is, indeed, difficult to hug in a
kayak; the death of Tomassee in a kayak stuffed with Inuit maidens in 1647
is attributed  to a failed attempt to instigate a Group Hug.

Sincerely,
Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G

Transcribed by Dr. Inverbon's humble servant John Winters




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