[Paddlewise] Ego's

I probably owe Sandy and some others on this list an apology. I've been
kind of grumpy lately about Paddlewise and people. So Sorry. Perhaps an
explanation is in order -- it might help you understand some of the
background context for recent comments and my concerns with Duane's trip
reports, etc. Please take this at face value.

I've put a lot of miles on my boat, many of them in harsh, rough
conditions. It is a joy to be out on the ocean, living in the moment,
free from the constraints of mundane life responsibilities and
pragmatism. Out on the edge, far from the confines of modern
civilization, my ego is swallowed up in the grandeur of the ocean realm
and the intense numinous reality that invades my existential being and
signifies my insignificance as a tiny speck of humanity floating in an
eternity of space and time. While the effect is less intense, it is
nevertheless real during quieter paddles. For me, this is one of the
ultimate draws to paddling.

Yet, within the kayaking community as a whole, man's pride, hubris,  and
his post-modern ego-spirituality seems to permeate everything, including
Paddlewise. I don't like it anymore. And we all know how opinionated and
full of self, sea kayakers can be. This displeasure with the situation
has been welling up inside me for some time. The situation with Duane's
posts just happened to be the one that pushed me over the edge. It isn't
his fault. He is a great guy, and I only send him "light" and peace.
I've enjoyed the adulation that sometimes comes from pat-on-the-back
rejoiners, etc. But the more I get into paddling again this year and the
more I mull things over as I attempt to mature, the more I want to move
away from all that ego-baggage, hairy-chest-pounding. Hope that makes
sense. I mentioned to the list I was going to back off a bit, and I got
a ton of e-mail back-channel (mostly) saying the list would be boring,
and people would miss all my great posts. This makes one want to run the
other way...I'm not a great kayaker - just a big-mouth, opinionated ass
-- though altruistically, I do want to share a bit of experience,
wisdom,  and some of the lessons I've learned from the sea. Jackie has
always encouraged me to retain that view

Duane said recently: "I did email the editor to ask him who are these
reckless sea kayakers.  I told him that I might want to do some
crossings with them if they are from around here, because it is hard to
find sea kayakers who have guts.  What I was really saying was that he
and 99% of sea kayakers are wimps."     I'm NOT picking on Duane here.
But his comments are a reflection of the state of kayaking these days.
Big names, lots of egos at symposiums, people flashing around bits of
paper certification, guys (mostly) challenging the ocean and telling
stories about how they "conquered" it, and lots of "Me", "Me", "Me" in
general.

What IS a real kayaker anyway? Is a middle-aged, overweight housewife
whose just taken up the sport and found something transcendent to
domestic enslavement, not a "real" paddler? How many crossing do you
have to make to be a "real" paddler? I certainly don't have the answer
to these and many other questions about our sport as it evolves and a
new generation of paddlers emerge. I know determination and pushing
one's envelope of fear and experience has real rewards unknown to most,
but is that what makes you a "real" paddler. Does having a big ego make
you a real paddler -- though you may certainly be an awesome paddler and
way above average in skills and undertakings? -- (I'm talking about the
general paddling community here -- not pointing fingers at anyone in
particular).

In closing, I've had my own flurry of ego building off Paddlewise and
other sources, but after you spend enough time on the water, or have a
few things go sideways, or spend some time in serious reflection sitting
on a beach so cold you wanted to die, there isn't much room for a big
ego. I'm probably not making much sense here to the list. It is a bit of
an ambiguous issue, anyway. But, I did want my friends and enemies on PW
to at least understand some of the struggles I've been working through
lately. I can only trust some of you had the grace and patience to bear
with this post. If not, that is okay too. I harbor no disrespect or
ill-will. You ladies and men are a fine community of helpful paddlers. I
just want to take a bit more of the "I" out of it. At least "real"
paddling can still do that.

BC'in Ya
Doug Lloyd ("Love thyself last" -W.S.)


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