There are lots of different kinds of paddlers out on the water. They range from your pond piddlers who only paddle glassy waters near the shore and limit themselves to speeds only slightly faster than the local snails to the first timers who live to make those unimaginable trips through raging waters and over vast distances that no one has ever paddled before. Somewhere in between you have the storm paddlers, the crossing collectors, the racers, the 5 Star paddlers, and the rest of us who fit somewhere into one of the 1-4 Star categories regardless of whether or not we have been officially certified. Recent events have convinced me that I am moving into a new division, Monster Paddler. I know what you are thinking. What kind of crazy person is going to restrict his paddling to Loch Ness looking for Nessie, or Lake Champlain for Champs, or remote Pacific Northwest streams in search of Big Foot, or even to the man-made lakes of Florida to face the most hideous of all monsters, the wakeboarding vacation family with 2 PWCs and a 500 HP ski boat? I am not the adventuresome type and this is not what I mean by Monster Paddling. My descent into Monster Paddling is definitely weather related. Since summer has arrived here in South Texas the heat index is routinely crossing 110 degF. The desert to the west heats up rapidly during the day and the difference between the Gulf water temp and the land temp routinely produces 25+ mph winds. Being one of the weaker paddlers in my group, I always struggle to keep up heading out into the winds and waves in the bay. When we turn back with the wind I still find myself at a disadvantage. With their extra strength my paddling partners accelerate easily and catch waves for long surfed rides at over 7 knots with very little paddling effort. With less strength and with a Greenland blade instead of their Euro paddles, I struggle to catch the waves. Only perfect timing and extraordinary effort let me catch a few waves and each one I miss drains my energy reserves. I find coming back with the wind even more tiring that going against it. Back at the floating dock I manage to crawl out of the kayak and stand hunched over, hands on knees, breathing heavily and with my face contorted from the days effort. Suddenly the name Quasimodo seems familiar and I have a strong desire to go ring some church bells. Unfortunately no beautiful gypsy woman in desperate need of my help ever comes running up to the dock. Calmer days give little relief. Without the strong wind, 95+ degF temps and 85% humidity can be quite unpleasant. My smarter friends wear only swimsuits, store their PFDs on deck, and leave their sprayskirts open in order to prevent hyperthermia. My fear of skin cancer, my lack of confidence in my swimming ability, and my poor paddling technique that pumps water into my cockpit faster than most hand pumps push it out all combine to limit my options. I end up paddling in a long sleeve shirt, sun hat, tightly strapped PFD, and tightly sealed sprayskirt despite the heat. Like some distant descendent of Count Dracula I found myself developing a strong aversion to sunlight. The alarm setting has been moved to 4:30 am and I have to be on the water before sunrise. I must pay careful attention to the time and conditions to make sure that I am back at the dock before the suns rays get too strong. It is a lot of trouble but I only started worrying when the garlic just did not taste as good on my food. Of course with my luck, asking a woman to Look into my eyes, deep into my eyes will just result in a slap in the face. Maybe if she is an optometrist? The latest development is the most worrisome. I just can not resist a full moon paddle. The cool night air and soft moonglow draw me out to the water. Since no one sees me in the dark I find myself more comfortable with letting my hair and beard grow. I do have the strangest feeling that if I ever see a jet-skier under the moonlight, Ill go into a frenzied paddling pace and just run over it. The Coast Guard does not carry any silver bullets, do they? My biggest fear is that in order to find some cool paddling Ill start heading out into the summer thunderstorms. Although the cold rain, cool breeze, and blocked sun are nice, the lightning is something I would normally avoid. If I do glue two metal bolts to my neck and go out into one of lightning storms, I hope my friends will round up the local Burgermeister and villagers and put me out of my misery. Of course the chance to sing with Bernadette Peters would be a lot of fun. Well whether I turn into the Hunchback of Notre Dame, the Last Vampire, a werewolf, or Frankensteins (or Young Frankensteins) monster I know I have moved into the category of Monster Paddler. Only the cooling winds of the falls cold fronts can save me. Note: All facts are certified by the Texas Liars Club and may actually contain a small grain of truth. Any statement not sufficiently exaggerated is obviously an editing error. If you recognize all my references you are watching way too many old horror films on TV just like me. Mark Arnold mjamja_at_earthlink.net *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List - Any opinions or suggestions expressed here are solely those of the writer(s). You must assume the entire responsibility for reliance upon them. All postings copyright the author. Submissions: PaddleWise_at_PaddleWise.net Subscriptions: PaddleWise-request_at_PaddleWise.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
Mark Arnold wrote: > > There are lots of different kinds of paddlers out on the water. They range from > Well whether I turn into the Hunchback of Notre Dame, the Last Vampire, a werewolf, or Frankensteins (or Young Frankensteins) monster I know I have moved into the category of Monster Paddler. Only the cooling winds of the falls cold fronts can save me. > Dear Mark, You might post this as "humor", but you and I know that this is very serious stuff! I consider your posting as a desperate cry for help. I took the liberty of dusting off my tarot-deck, and take a peek in your future. There is good news and there is bad news. The good news: You can not avoid your fate, so there is no need to worry. The bad news: You WILL become a new monster, if not in real, then at least in the minds of the Texas-dwellers. Blurred pictures of you will be posted all over the internet. After your night trips, cows will stop laying eggs, computers will fail, girls who swear they are virgins will get pregnant and graincircles will appear wherever you cartop your kayak. Buffy the Vampire Slayer will go after you. You might lure her into a short love-affair (she is known for falling in love with vampires) and although Buffy is just as beautiful as your previous flirt, Britney Spears, she is also known for beating up her lovers. At the high point of this affair, a mob of jealous vampires will take your soul. Buffy will loose interest after one last good beating. You will move to the Himalayas, take up white-water rafting and end up as a white-water guide for Italian tourists. Matt Broze will write a new edition of "Deep Trouble", with a complete chapter on your misfortune. In the "lessons learned" section he will state that shaving, every other week or so, might have prevented this disaster. Please do me one favor: After Buffy looses interest in you, give her my phonenumber. I will stop shaving right now, so I'll be ready to meet her. Niels. Disclaimer: It is possible that there are people who are not offended by this message. If so, my sincere apologies. Send me a note, and I'll offend you in my next post. *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List - Any opinions or suggestions expressed here are solely those of the writer(s). You must assume the entire responsibility for reliance upon them. All postings copyright the author. Submissions: PaddleWise_at_PaddleWise.net Subscriptions: PaddleWise-request_at_PaddleWise.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************
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