[Paddlewise] Pharr out in the Phog

Greetings to all on the PW list.  I have just received a floppy disk with
the message below from Dr. Pharr Horissons and was asked to put it on the
list.  I do want to make it clear that Professor Horissons speaks for
himself, and I bear no responsibility for his statements or any resulting
consequences.  
	But as one list member observed, it's always a pleasure to be included in
the dialog between learned scholars such as Prof. Horissons and Prof.
Inverberon. 
	Enjoy!
		John

	Pharr On Phog
  	Notably, several recent reports of paddling experiences in the fog
describe the paddlers having made extended efforts in low  visibility
conditions over hours of time, only to discover themselves very nearly back
where they started.  This is no great accomplishment, I have been doing
this for years.   In fact I dare say I have paddled in more circles than
most anyone.  I have also trained numerous students to cope
  with fog by using my "Phog Glasses" (TM), whereby various densities of fog
  can be simulated, up to and including total darkness.  These work by means
  of rotating crossed polarizers in the lenses, controlled by...(trade
secret). They serve the additional purpose of protecting the eyeballs from
the painful
  sting of horizontally-driven raindrops, and for this use are uniquely
  fitted with tiny windshield wipers to keep the view open.  Mr. Winters'
  referred to the use of the "sling psychrometer", which I assume to be
  either a high-tech first-aid device for broken limbs or some sort of mental
  attitude gauge visited upon him by that rascal Inverberon.  In either case
  the application to foggy conditions escapes me. Perhaps this reflects the
  more-or-less permanently befogged condition of Prof.Inverberon's mind.  
  	Speaking of which, I must undertake to correct the Professor's
misunderstanding of my recent message on the Inuit migrations by use of the
Paleolithic Crotch Dirigibles. He wrote:
  	" Where Mr. Horissons steps off the path is in not understanding
  that it is not the weight of the Palaeolithic Inuit that was the problem
  but their dependence (and consequently the weight) upon stone tools. When
was
  the last time Mr. Horissons saw a jolly miller wafting about the English
  country side with his millstone tied to his feet?"
  	Obviously my presentation was too subtle for Inverberon.  But first,
this business about a jolly miller is preposterous.  It is inconceivable
that a stolid Brit would be flitting about the country side in such a
manner.  This ludicrous image apparently comes from some unspeakable
fantasy of Prof. Inverberon's. The only surprise is that he doesn't
describe the fellow displaying some Dayglo-colored sprayskirt!
      At any rate, my  essential point was twofold.  First, there are indeed
  diets and other means capable of producing high-pressure methane with
  astonishing lifting capacity.  I referred to the smelly emanations from
  whales and their impacts on careless kayakers who flaunt the spirit of the
  Marine Mammal Protection Act and wander too close, subsequently and
  justifiably being blown out of the water.  To make it plainer, how else
  could even these great mammals cover the vast ocean distances other than by
  the use of high-power flatulence jets?  Furthermore, the vaunted feats of
  the Voyageurs, carrying hundreds of pounds of gear and goods over extended
  portages was no doubt similarly flatulence-assisted.  There are numerous
  tales and even native art relating the hazards of hiking behind these
worthy bearers.  I have originated the thesis that the Voyageurs were not only
  flatulence-knowledgeable, but they also stumbled upon the trick of
  lightening their very footsteps by the production of methane from rotting
  materials in their boots and socks.  There are a few relics of these
  articles still available, but the unbearable stench of the wretched
objects has so far prevented scholarly examination.  Which reminds me,
Inverberon, why do you continue to oppose my research grant proposal to the
Israeli Commandos for the use of their anti bio-warfare equipment on the
grounds that you "think it unwise for such gear to be in the hands of
Pharr-out lunatics"? 
  	Really LightHead (or is it Lightfoot?), are you still ticked off from
  having to accept my assisted rescue when you capsized your gondola on the
  Venice canal during the last PanEuropean Paddling and Archaeology
  Symposium?  Considering this incident was brought on by your inordinate
  consumption of Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc throughout the meeting as well as
  your puffing on something in that pipe of yours (which you alleged was
  ginseng), I should think you would be grateful.   We can both be
  glad that my gondolier had previously practiced stabilizing his boat with
the aid of several empty wine bottles as paddle floats.  It was still quite
a pull for me to get your lead rear out of the water and into my gondola. I
do recommend that you investigate the availability of the self-inflating
Banzai Self Righting Shorts as mentioned by someone on the Paddlewise list.
With your liking for CBSB, you will certainly need those shorts in the
future! 
  	At this point I should probably reply to Ms. Fenton's recent question.
She wrote:
  	"What are you guys smoking up there?
  Whatever it is, I recommend not lighting it around your dirigibles 8-}"
  	Now Jackie, I cannot vouch for either Inverberon or his friend Winters.
  We have all be advised of the good Doctor's fondness for Cloudy Bay
  Sauvignon Blanc (still wondering if he's not just transferring that awful
  stuff from the cardboard boxes into the same few bottles and deluding
  himself that it's CBSB). Once again he has ludicrously misunderstood when
  several colleagues urged him to "Put your bladder where your mouth is,
  Inverberon!"  
	But let me just say that I personally have not inhaled since
  1989.  And certainly I cannot be held responsible for any secondary
  inhalations I might have absorbed at any of the many  student parties and
  functions I must attend.  I have taken all the precautions I could by
  inquiring and have invariably been told that "It's only ginger."  Oddly
  familiar smell though.  
  	Regarding Mr. Winters, I do not wish to condemn him by his association
  with Prof. Inverberon.  We all understand that people do strange things in
  the chilly far north, especially during wintertimes.  We do have
Inverberon's statement
  about Mr. Winters:
  
  "he (Winters) deserves credit for the observation that Colombian drug
dealers have over 600 words for cocaine and that the Inuit have over 600
words for snow.
  Concluding that this was too much of a coincidence and, putting two and two
  together he arrived at five, hypothesising that Colombian drug dealers are
  in fact a long lost tribe of Inuit who migrated across the Bering Sea Ice
  Bridge (see note) and found their way to Columbia.  Their discovery  of
  cocaine after many years of wandering about the west coast in search of
  Pamela Anderson explains why cocaine is called "snow". "
  	Best that we not nose about in this matter any further.
  
  	I now find that I have been too far distracted from the main track of
this discussion in order to clear up these simple misunderstandings.  I
shall return to the essentials in a future message.
  
  	To Prof. Inverberon, Mr. Winters, Jackie and all,
  	I remain, respectfully and humbly, your friend and fellow paddler and
truth-seeker,
  	Pharr Horissons, Sk.B., Ph.Ph., Fellow of the Left-Feathered Paddle
  Society, M.E.E, etc, etc.
  


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