Greetings to all on the PW list. I have just received a floppy disk with the message below from Dr. Pharr Horissons and was asked to put it on the list. I do want to make it clear that Professor Horissons speaks for himself, and I bear no responsibility for his statements or any resulting consequences. But as one list member observed, it's always a pleasure to be included in the dialog between learned scholars such as Prof. Horissons and Prof. Inverberon. Enjoy! John Pharr On Phog Notably, several recent reports of paddling experiences in the fog describe the paddlers having made extended efforts in low visibility conditions over hours of time, only to discover themselves very nearly back where they started. This is no great accomplishment, I have been doing this for years. In fact I dare say I have paddled in more circles than most anyone. I have also trained numerous students to cope with fog by using my "Phog Glasses" (TM), whereby various densities of fog can be simulated, up to and including total darkness. These work by means of rotating crossed polarizers in the lenses, controlled by...(trade secret). They serve the additional purpose of protecting the eyeballs from the painful sting of horizontally-driven raindrops, and for this use are uniquely fitted with tiny windshield wipers to keep the view open. Mr. Winters' referred to the use of the "sling psychrometer", which I assume to be either a high-tech first-aid device for broken limbs or some sort of mental attitude gauge visited upon him by that rascal Inverberon. In either case the application to foggy conditions escapes me. Perhaps this reflects the more-or-less permanently befogged condition of Prof.Inverberon's mind. Speaking of which, I must undertake to correct the Professor's misunderstanding of my recent message on the Inuit migrations by use of the Paleolithic Crotch Dirigibles. He wrote: " Where Mr. Horissons steps off the path is in not understanding that it is not the weight of the Palaeolithic Inuit that was the problem but their dependence (and consequently the weight) upon stone tools. When was the last time Mr. Horissons saw a jolly miller wafting about the English country side with his millstone tied to his feet?" Obviously my presentation was too subtle for Inverberon. But first, this business about a jolly miller is preposterous. It is inconceivable that a stolid Brit would be flitting about the country side in such a manner. This ludicrous image apparently comes from some unspeakable fantasy of Prof. Inverberon's. The only surprise is that he doesn't describe the fellow displaying some Dayglo-colored sprayskirt! At any rate, my essential point was twofold. First, there are indeed diets and other means capable of producing high-pressure methane with astonishing lifting capacity. I referred to the smelly emanations from whales and their impacts on careless kayakers who flaunt the spirit of the Marine Mammal Protection Act and wander too close, subsequently and justifiably being blown out of the water. To make it plainer, how else could even these great mammals cover the vast ocean distances other than by the use of high-power flatulence jets? Furthermore, the vaunted feats of the Voyageurs, carrying hundreds of pounds of gear and goods over extended portages was no doubt similarly flatulence-assisted. There are numerous tales and even native art relating the hazards of hiking behind these worthy bearers. I have originated the thesis that the Voyageurs were not only flatulence-knowledgeable, but they also stumbled upon the trick of lightening their very footsteps by the production of methane from rotting materials in their boots and socks. There are a few relics of these articles still available, but the unbearable stench of the wretched objects has so far prevented scholarly examination. Which reminds me, Inverberon, why do you continue to oppose my research grant proposal to the Israeli Commandos for the use of their anti bio-warfare equipment on the grounds that you "think it unwise for such gear to be in the hands of Pharr-out lunatics"? Really LightHead (or is it Lightfoot?), are you still ticked off from having to accept my assisted rescue when you capsized your gondola on the Venice canal during the last PanEuropean Paddling and Archaeology Symposium? Considering this incident was brought on by your inordinate consumption of Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc throughout the meeting as well as your puffing on something in that pipe of yours (which you alleged was ginseng), I should think you would be grateful. We can both be glad that my gondolier had previously practiced stabilizing his boat with the aid of several empty wine bottles as paddle floats. It was still quite a pull for me to get your lead rear out of the water and into my gondola. I do recommend that you investigate the availability of the self-inflating Banzai Self Righting Shorts as mentioned by someone on the Paddlewise list. With your liking for CBSB, you will certainly need those shorts in the future! At this point I should probably reply to Ms. Fenton's recent question. She wrote: "What are you guys smoking up there? Whatever it is, I recommend not lighting it around your dirigibles 8-}" Now Jackie, I cannot vouch for either Inverberon or his friend Winters. We have all be advised of the good Doctor's fondness for Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc (still wondering if he's not just transferring that awful stuff from the cardboard boxes into the same few bottles and deluding himself that it's CBSB). Once again he has ludicrously misunderstood when several colleagues urged him to "Put your bladder where your mouth is, Inverberon!" But let me just say that I personally have not inhaled since 1989. And certainly I cannot be held responsible for any secondary inhalations I might have absorbed at any of the many student parties and functions I must attend. I have taken all the precautions I could by inquiring and have invariably been told that "It's only ginger." Oddly familiar smell though. Regarding Mr. Winters, I do not wish to condemn him by his association with Prof. Inverberon. We all understand that people do strange things in the chilly far north, especially during wintertimes. We do have Inverberon's statement about Mr. Winters: "he (Winters) deserves credit for the observation that Colombian drug dealers have over 600 words for cocaine and that the Inuit have over 600 words for snow. Concluding that this was too much of a coincidence and, putting two and two together he arrived at five, hypothesising that Colombian drug dealers are in fact a long lost tribe of Inuit who migrated across the Bering Sea Ice Bridge (see note) and found their way to Columbia. Their discovery of cocaine after many years of wandering about the west coast in search of Pamela Anderson explains why cocaine is called "snow". " Best that we not nose about in this matter any further. I now find that I have been too far distracted from the main track of this discussion in order to clear up these simple misunderstandings. I shall return to the essentials in a future message. To Prof. Inverberon, Mr. Winters, Jackie and all, I remain, respectfully and humbly, your friend and fellow paddler and truth-seeker, Pharr Horissons, Sk.B., Ph.Ph., Fellow of the Left-Feathered Paddle Society, M.E.E, etc, etc. *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.gasp-seakayak.net/paddlewise/ ***************************************************************************
Dr. Horissons wrote (via John Somers who may soon be prosecuted for distributing hate literature) Dr. Phog's glasses are well known here in Canada where politicians line up to get the latest design in frmaes. While this may be good for Dr. Phog's pocket book it is no great recommendation. Canadians generally vote for the least acceptable candidate believing that such low intellecfts are safer in Parliament than out on the street. Indeed, getting elected is one of the better examples of Canadian socialism at work. But on to more important topics. Phog writes; > Obviously my presentation was too subtle for Inverberon. But first, >this business about a jolly miller is preposterous. It is inconceivable >that a stolid Brit would be flitting about the country side in such a >manner. This ludicrous image apparently comes from some unspeakable >fantasy of Prof. Inverberon's. The only surprise is that he doesn't >describe the fellow displaying some Dayglo-colored sprayskirt! Obviously the Good Dr. has spent little time in jolly olde England where flitting millers are as common as jackdaws. Dr. Phog must be getting all his information on the firts Inuit colony in Europe from Derek Hutchinson travelogues. It is sad to see a great mind distracted. Every marine biologits knows that whales are propelled by millions of small Jews who are swallowed by the whales in a fit of religous intolerance. The first recorded instance being Jonah who was offened that a whale would set up shop in the Med and scare tourists off the beaches. The smell Dr. Horrisons mentions should be instantly recognisable as partially digested gefilte fish that may do wonders for keeping a whale from floating on the surface unable to dive whre they would soon die of dehydration. When Dr. Horrison speaks on Voyageurs he is in his own territory. I recall well his groundbreaking study of Voyageur flatulence and applaud him for his diligence. I can still recall him crawling along on all fours with his sensitive and needle sharp nose firmly planted up the backside of a Voyageur testing for methane content. Few are so dedicated. Still, one must not allow fanaticism to go unrestrained. To allow anti bio-warfare equipement in the hands of radicals is only asking for trouble. These defensive weapons have been used in the past by well meaning but misguided zealots in the search for the "Final Solution". It was in Venice that Dr. Phog attempted to drown me when I exposed his nefarious plot to adulterate the remaining stocks of Domaine Leroy 1990 with cheap California plonk in an effort to destroy the French wine making industry. He would have succeeded but for my efforts and the keen sense of smell of my valet who sensed that something was wrong in a container load of kayaks shipped from the Northwest US. Now we know why US kayak builders make such high volume boats. They are tools of the California Plonk Growers. I will not dignify Dr. Horissons absurd comments about what we drink and smoke in Canada. Smoking is not allowed in public places anyway and Dr. Horissons would not know fine wine if it were presented to him in Reidel stemware his taste buds long ago having succumbed to the caustic effects of Voyageur flatulence. I told him time and time again to spend more time paddling and less time sniffing the backsides of hard working Voyageurs who found his attentions distracting but would he listen? No he would not. Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G Transcribed by his humble servant John Winters *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List Submissions: paddlewise_at_lists.intelenet.net Subscriptions: paddlewise-request_at_lists.intelenet.net Website: http://www.gasp-seakayak.net/paddlewise/ ***************************************************************************
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