Re: [Paddlewise] Egos and Wimp Paddlers

In a message dated 11/13/00 5:06:02 PM, Gypsykayak_at_aol.com writes:

<< It's amazing how online communication between people who don't know each 
other, yet do get emotionally involved in issues, can be so in depth.  >>

For me Sandy hit the nail on the head. There are some people who post to this 
list that I will at least open, even if I have blacklisted that thread. There 
are no people on this list I won't read. I have some much affection and 
respect for everyone here. Some just speak to me more deeply than others. 
Some I call friends and would go way out of my way to be that friend to, even 
though I have never met 95% of the people here. Because this is a totally 
optional community we have a deeper ability to be a community.
    This list is made up of paddlers. We are people who share an 
interst/passsion, who have formed this virtual community under the nurturing 
of everyone, not just Jackie. When someone posts what Doug did, I think it 
appropriate to respond on the list, though it might seem off-topic. I feel 
that way because this is a thought that has tinted many of the posts and most 
of the bickering that we get involved in at times. This is of and about the 
community of Paddlewise.
    I've thought off and on all day about this idea of ego. Having a total of 
about a half hour worth work to do today lead me to odd places in the other 
7.5 hours. But seriously, the community of paddlers both here in cyberspace 
and in real space is a different group of people. The issue of ego driven 
behavior has been so different from in other "communities" I've been a part 
of.
    I'm not at heart a Buddhist looking to cut myself loose to be in some 
cosmic other place. I am comfortable with the idea that I have a finite 
amount of time on this earth, as me, in this place, and time. I cherish all 
of the learning, all of the friends, and all of the experiences I've had. My 
history is vital to me, as Joan, who lived all these things. I have no other 
way of defining myself with any clarity. My life is lived at this vital, 
fundamental, passionate level. The passion that Duane, and Jim, and Doug, and 
Matt, and John, and all the guys who contest here enthralls me when I have 
the patience to follow where they lead me.
    The idea that people do things to get positive feedback feels perfectly 
natural to me. It feels right at heart level. When things do get stupid is 
when the person looking for feedback either doesn't get what is being said or 
gets mad when they don't get what they want. Both negative outcomes rise from 
a weakness of faith and knowledge of their own self. We tend to call that ego 
games but that is way too simple. When we have to prove something to someone 
else we are at the highest risk of all.
    The reason I have not written all day is that I am unclear about the 
things I should sort out and share. To me ego is how we know ourselves every 
day. When we meet someone this is the being we want to present and have 
others accept us. In a virtual community we don't have to tell anyone that we 
are 80 pounds over weight with an overbite and whatever thing you don't want 
to have others see. We can make ourselves up as we go along. We can't help 
but show who we are over time but we can make that first impression a good 
one in most cases. We are what we intentionally say. But we use the tone of 
voice we can find and that doesn't mean we are heard in that way. That is a 
fundamental problem with writing. People usually hear more in the long run 
than is actually intended by the writer,
    When I have read some of Duane's posts I have to admit I couldn't get why 
he would intentionally call names and make an obvious effort to offend us. 
Duane, if that is not what you are doing I'd love to hear what our intent is. 
When I'm feeling a bit tender I avoid reading your stuff because I expect it 
will just make my mood worse. I'm actually singling you out because I'd like 
an answer to that. Why do you address this forum with such disrespect so 
often? Do you know that is what you are doing?
    Enough of that. Why Duane is doing what he is doing is part of the issue. 
I can't and won't go close to what Doug seems to be saying because it is 
beyond both my knowledge and my ability to type. I can only reflect on my 
reactions to what he said. I think his post addresses is not only our 
paddling but our participation in the community of paddlers. Why are we 
paddling and why are we here on PW?
    I am one of those with a low tolerance for risk. I love the wind in my 
hair and the lean of the boat and the waves splashing over me and my boat. I 
do NOT like feeling like I'm going to fall over in the slightest chop. It 
makes me feel incompetent and seriously grumpy. That is not what I paddle 
for. But I can hear Doug and Duane and deeply enjoy their exploits. I worry 
for them, as I do for others I paddle with, when they go out in conditions 
that scare me. Their sense of self and need to connect in THAT way moves me. 
I wish I could do it. I don't feel in control enough to go too far yet. I am 
so rich because they take the time and effort to share it.
    That others feel that sureness kind of carries me. It gives me a bit more 
courage than if I was paddling this path by myself. When I tell Doug we, PW, 
as a community would be poorer if he left it is more than his bizillion years 
of experience. It is because, if you look at the way PWers respond to what he 
says, he has made us look more at ourselves than anyone else I've read in 2 
years here. He is a challenge to us both as paddlers and as human members of 
all the communities we live in. That is my perception of the fact of this 
community. I think it makes people poorer to stand away from the true 
emotions of their community, positive or negative as long as what is offered 
is honest and given with respect. No one can take unloving, nasty criticism 
on a regular basis. We just aren't made that way.
    In the way we react to those on the edge we may not always be as 
supportive of them as we would like or intend to be if we thought about what 
we said to each other. I suspect that Doug, Duane, and Jim have heard a lot 
of negative things about the risks they take. It gets to be a drag and a 
point comes where they find themselves fighting for their own sense of self 
and value in their judgment. I think about the teasing I have done to Doug. 
Even gentle teasing adds to the weight negative words end up carrying. I'm 
not going to stop teasing him but I do have to be sure that anyone I tease is 
uplifted by my words, not burdened.
    The fundamental idea of ego truly can't be avoided if we see it as a 
sense of self both in and outside of a community. We can take a break at 
times but millions have lived their entire lives in that search for the 
egoless being, as a Buddha. Most only catch a glimpse from time to time, if 
at all. Respecting who we are and not feeling like we have to be more before 
we can move on seems to be to be fundamental to growth.

Joan Spinner
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