Please excuse the formatting problem in the previous post. This copy should take care of the problems. Please be advised that I am filing three lawsuits on behalf of the Paddlewise community. 1. Kayakers V. Big Motor Boat Thingys 2. Kayakers V. Copy Cats 3. Kayakers V. Mentally Deficient Steering Aids (IE Unbalanced Rudders) Case Summaries: 1. Kayakers V. Big Motor Boat Thingys >From PeterOs treatise Try Not to Sink That Boat (Paddlewise 8-4-04) it is clear that current motor boats are not equipped with the proper safety systems. We are requesting the following remedies a) $10,000,000 US for the mental anguish that all kayakers will face now that we must deal with the fact that it is not safe to go behind or in front of motor vessels. $100 US to Peter for repair and cleaning of hat and sunglasses with the rest being equally divided between Paddlwise members. b) Backup beepers on all motor vessels over 18 ft in length. Don't you just love the sound of a backing garbage truck in the morning? c) Required crew training and certification on kayak and small vessel avoidance for vessels over 25 ft. Note: I have just founded the Kayak and Small Vessel Avoidance Training and Certification Center ($5000 US/person/week program) and am looking for instructors familiar with motor vessel kayak interactions. Salaries will be commensurate with experience, ie the more times you have nearly been run over the more we pay you. 2. Kayakers V. Copy Cats Recent expositions (or is that explicatives deleted) from Peter T, Matt , John, et al. have brought to light a serious problem in the kayak manufacturing industry. I am not talking about the copying of a manufacturers design by another party. The copier is usually not a viable financial target (aka deep pocket) so there is no need to deal with this issue. However, the real problem is the situation where the party of the first part, having paid hard earned money for the party of the first parts kayak, arrives at a group paddle only to find that the parties of the second part, third part and fourth part are paddling kayaks identical to that of the party of the first part. This damages the party of the first parts finely honed sense of superiority and results in monetary damages as the party of the first part must go out and buy the newest model kayak to regain that sense of superiority. This is obviously a conspiracy on the part of kayak manufacturers to sell more kayaks. We are requesting the following remedies: a) All manufacturers will provide one-of-a-kind paint schemes for their kayaks. Note: I am currently forming the Paint Scheme Registration Organization which will register and certify all designs (kind of like the one for Clowns makeup) for a minimal fee per kayak. b) Designers will produce designs which in no way resemble current kayaks. This may seem unrealistic, but if you look at the current crop of recreational kayaks and rodeo kayaks you can see that great strides have already been made toward making kayaks that do not even look like kayaks. c) An annual party for all of the parties of the first, second, and third parts (ie Paddlewise members) to be funded by the kayak manufactures with free food, lodging, guided kayak trips, and instruction. 3. Kayakers V. Mentally Deficient Steering Aids Recent postings (primarily from European quarters) have indicated a potentially serious problem with some kayak rudders. An unbalanced rudder may suddenly develop a fear of the water (note recent fear of rolling posts) and simply flip itself back up out of the water and refuse to be deployed. A paranoid rudder may suddenly reverse direction to move the kayak away from some imagined danger. A manic-depressive rudder may work wonderfully on some days and then be all but useless on others. Any of these cases could result in a dangerous situation for the kayakers involved. We are asking for the following remedies. a) A $100 US refund to all kayakers using a ruddered kayak. Note: This may be the first real reason to go buy a kayak with a rudder. (Oops my prejudices are showing). b) Psychic psychiatric examination of all rudders. This would be along the same lines as those animal psychics on the animal planet TV channel that mentally communicate with animals and find out what is troubling them. In this case they would metally communicate with the rudders to find out if they were unbalanced. c) More environmentally friendly low impact mining and manufacturing process. We believe that the unbalanced nature of some rudders results from birth trauma during mining and manufacturing that only shows up later in the finished product. Early care and loving handling will result in well balanced fully functional rudders. Although I am prepared to litigate ferociously for these needed remedies, we should be prepared to accept a compromise on some of the issues. With that in mind I am hoping to get a new kayaking hat out of this. If I can get them to cough up 2 hats I will send one to PeterO. Sincerely Mark J. Arnold LLP (Licensed Lousy Paddler) Certified by the Texas Board of Kayaking Specialization in Flatwater Kayaking, Missed Roll Demonstration, and Warped Sense of Humor. * * Note: All advertisements for lawyers in the Texas must include either Not certified by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization Or Certified by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization in .. Mark Arnold mjamja_at_earthlink.net Why Wait? Move to EarthLink. *************************************************************************** PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List - Any opinions or suggestions expressed here are solely those of the writer(s). You must assume the entire responsibility for reliance upon them. All postings copyright the author. Submissions: PaddleWise_at_PaddleWise.net Subscriptions: PaddleWise-request_at_PaddleWise.net Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/ ***************************************************************************Received on Wed Aug 04 2004 - 12:11:13 PDT
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