[Paddlewise] tool time

Sent to me by my brother-in-law...

Tool Definitions

DRILL  PRESS : A tall upright  machine useful for suddenly snatching flat 
metal bar stock out of your hands so  that it smacks you in the chest and flings 
your beer across the room, denting  the freshly-painted part which you had 
carefully set in the corner , where  nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans  paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the 
workbench with the  speed of light.. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned 
calluses from fingers  in about the time it takes you to say, ''What 
the....??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in  their holes 
until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too  short.

PLIERS: Used to round  off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of  
blood-blisters.

BELT  SANDER: An electric sanding  tool commonly used to convert minor 
touch-up jobs into major refinishing  jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a  family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board  
principle. It transforms human energy into a  crooked, unpredictable motion, and the 
more you attempt to influence its course,  the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers, to completely round off bolt heads. 
If nothing else is available, they can also be  used to transfer intense 
welding heat to the palm of your  hand.

WELDING  GLOVES: Heavy duty leather  gloves used to prolong the conduction of 
intense welding heat to the palm of  your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH:  Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable 
objects in your shop on  fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the 
wheel hub you want the  bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large  stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood 
projectiles for testing wall  integrity.

HYDRAULIC  FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering  an automobile to the ground after 
you have installed your new brake shoes,  trapping the jack handle firmly under 
the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off  of a 
trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill 
 bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future  
use.

BAND  SAW: A large stationary power  saw primarily used by most shops to cut 
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces  that more easily fit into the trash 
can after you cut on the inside edge of the  line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of  
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably 
has  an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the  handle.

PHILLIPS  SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to  stab the vacuum seals under lids and 
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil  cans and splashing oil on your 
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,  to strip out Phillips screw 
heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to 
convert  common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or  bracket 
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent  part.

HOSE  CUTTER: A tool used to make  hoses too short. Works equally as well on 
boxes and  thumbs.

HAMMER: Originally  employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used 
as a kind of divining  rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the 
object we are trying to  hit.

MECHANIC'S  KNIFE: Used to open and slice  through the contents of cardboard 
cartons delivered to your front door; works  particularly well on contents 
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic  bottles, collector magazines, 
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.  Especially useful for slicing work 
clothes, but only while wearing them. 
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