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From: 735769 <735769_at_ican.net> subject: [Paddlewise] Greeenland paddling Style? Date: Wed, 14 Jul 1999 09:50:22 -0400 · This archive was generated by hypermail 2.4.0 : Thu Aug 21 2025 - 16:33:00 PDT

Greetings from Professor Inverbon on his return from a most dangerous
archeological study of Paleolithic Pingo paintings in the Northwest
territories of Canada.

The question of everyone's lips today - along with how much does Oprah
weigh, will the world end at midnight December 31,1999, and is Hillary
Clinton a virgin - is, who will instruct the instructors in Greenland
technique. I submit this is the wrong question. The proper question is who
taught the Greenlanders?

Consider - is proper Greenland technique a genetic thread passed on from
generation to generation through passionate writhing in igloos or
did they develop the technique and pass it along orally untainted by western
influences, or did aliens beam Inuit gas station attendants up to their
ships where they implanted tiny little BCU instructors in their heads who
would in turn teach the Greenlanders how to paddle via voices much like Joan
of Arc learned how to roast at the stake.

I consider all three theories simplistic in the extreme. I have taken
samples of genetic material from across the north and not yet found a single
tiny paddle wrapped with DNA where as one can easily detect chains of beer
cans woven among the DNA strands of rednecks in the South. As for passing
the pure Greenland technique down from generation to generation via oral
tradition and instruction, that  must be discounted out of hand. We have
ample evidence of the superiority of the Inuit and Aleut boats prior to the
western invasion (see Brand, Dyson, et al) and there is no reason to believe
that paddling technique would not have likewise suffered. Would technique
not have suffered as boat design suffered? One could, of course,  postulate
that the Inuit technique of today is but a poor imitation of that of their
elders but can we with any authority? .

While the  implanting of BCU coaches in Inuit brains has a  credible ring,
it could not have worked, for the Inuit, while having a surfeit of fish, had
no chips or bangers and a Brit paddler cannot survive more than a few days
without greasy chips and bangers wrapped in a British tabloid. Brits
separated from their native diet soon go berserk and attack innocent soccer
(football) fans interspersed with obscene sexual fantasies of Prince Charles
and Camilla.

No, the Inuit learned to paddle from ancient Mayan drug dealers that the
Inuit met during their crotch dirigible explorations of the world. As they
wafted across South America on giant Rossby waves in a caribou paunch
induced haze they saw the Mayans escaping in their dugout canoes from
Spanish DEA enforcement officers while using a unique paddling technique to
attain extraordinary speeds despite their heavily laden canoes. Klohr (1969,
Anthropology News) contends that the Mayan sacrificial virgins developed
this stroke to enable them to escape Mayan priests and I must say this has a
true ring to it for, had not some escaped there would have been no future
generations of priest for the Spanish to kill.  Mayan virgins must have
predated Spanish DEA officers by at least few years for Conquistadors claim
to have corrected the virginity of a number of Mayan women on their arrival.

How did the Inuit transfer the techniques to their own population when they
had no written language? By carving delicate ice sculptures of each step of
the stroke which they encased in cocaine insulated bags and flew north to
their homes thus becoming the first to unwittingly  smuggle drugs into North
America and paving the way for little old ladies to claim that they were
"just taking a package to a friend of a man the met at the airport. He
seemed like such a nice man with all those gold chains. Not all greasy like
so many South Americans. I am not prejudiced of course but you know what I
mean ".

Once unpacked the Inuit would have to learn how to paddle quickly as the
little delicate sculptures would  melt.  That, of course , is why we have no
records of it today.

As for the ACA, one has to ask if they have been to South America lately for
maybe they have learned how to paddle from the source.

In the final analyses it should not be the Greenlanders who take offense but
the Mayans and every right thinking paddler should object to the
Greenlanders claiming they invented the Greenland style when in fact all
they did was  rename the Mayan style. No doubt they learned this technique
of cultural kidnapping from the Brits who assumed that, by giving a place a
name (usually some English lord who got his title by killing his neighbor
who supported a unsuccessful rival aspirant for the English throne) that
they had discovered it. We are indebted to the Brits for this since, had
they not discovered the places and named them, we would not have discovered
the natives who lived there and had  given the places unpronounceable names
that prohibited their being printed on maps.

Sincerely,
Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G

Transcribed by Dr. Inverbon's humble servant John Winters

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